


A Good Day to Have Breakfast

by bethylark



Category: Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: American Indian, F/M, Native American Character(s), Native American Katniss, Police Violence, Racism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 05:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 34,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5900065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bethylark/pseuds/bethylark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss is a senior in high school who's realizing she wants more than to stay in her small town in Minnesota with little promise other than a life of poverty. Using the connections of her best friend, her academics, and her native background, she gets the chance to go to school far away in Pennsylvania. But when a personal crisis wounds her trust in other people, the struggle might be too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

I didn’t ask for any of this to happen to me. I never expected to be someone special. I stopped dreaming of happy endings and where life would take me years ago. Those kinds of thoughts were reserved for my sister. With such a kind, warm heart, she deserved everything she wished for. The only thing I dreamed about was being able to give her that opportunity.

 

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I live in a small house in Minnesota not too far from the borders with the Dakotas. I am Dakota – as in, an enrolled member of the Sioux Nation.

 

I don’t live on a reservation. My family left the rez when my mother was a teenager. My father grew up in poverty on the Rosebud reservation in South Dakota. He was the bravest, strongest, kindest man I ever knew. He left the rez when he turned 18 to join the military so that he could afford an education at NDSU. He worked as a pilot and cartographer, and enjoyed the chance to travel to new and exciting places and learn about different people and their cultures. He met my mother when he was 29 years old at a powwow in Minneapolis, and when she saw him dance and heard him sing, she knew she was a goner. They married about a year later, and a few years after that, they had me.

 

My sister Prim came 4 years later. I know some kids become jealous when they have to welcome a new baby brother or sister and share the attention, but I couldn’t be happier. My sister was my best friend before she could sit up or even rollover. As she grew, my opinion of her only increased. She looked more Indian than me – beautiful dark brown almond eyes and soft, straight hair that she always wore in two braids, perfect smooth skin. Our mother was a halfbreed – her father was a white man with pale skin, pale eyes, and dusty blond hair. My mother didn’t look much like him except for her skin that was a couple shades lighter than most of ours.

 

The thing that made me stand out, that I used to wish away all the time as a young girl, were my big grey eyes. Against my dark hair and skin, they stood out easily, they gave away that I wasn’t fully native; I wanted brown eyes like the rest of my family. I expressed this once when I was about 9 years old to my sister while she was braiding my hair before bed, and she spent the next half hour talking about how much she admired my unique eyes. After that, I slowly learned to accept all of myself, just as I am.

 

And perhaps the biggest part of me was my connection with nature – wakan Tanka – the creator. From a young age, my father would wake me up early on Sundays and we would drive to the lake to pick up my grandpa. My grandpa would begin the day by telling me a story or a joke, or a mix of both, that didn’t always make sense to me and that he’d never explain when I asked. He’d quiz me on the different trees and animals and what they could do. Most times, we would go fishing until Grandpa started nodding off in the boat and snoring (loudly). I would always whistle really loud and he would wake with a start, all confused, and my father and I would laugh and laugh as we headed back to the shore. These were some of my favorite childhood memories.

 

            The best day though, was when it was starting to get cold out the year of my 8th birthday. Grandpa said he had a surprise for me, and when I asked what it was he responded with some kind of riddle about a snake and an eagle that I didn’t understand. It turns out, they were taking me hunting – hunting! – with a bow and arrow. They said before I could actually hunt, I needed to learn how to handle the weapon and practice on my aim.   They taught me the meaning of the activity that our people had thrived on for generations before the wasicu came and tried to kill all of the buffalo. Over the next several weeks I grew more comfortable with the bow and Grandpa and Father decided they’d take me hunting for real. When my father shot down a deer, we carried it back to the truck and off to an old man they called Ripper to “dress” it. It turns out, that meant skinning it, preparing all the meat and making us a big bag of jerky that a salty snack we enjoyed throughout each winter.

 

            My first encounter with racism was when my school friend, Madge, invited me to her birthday party. Madge had beautiful curly blonde hair and eyes as blue as the summer sky. She had invited all the girls from our class to her house to play games in her backyard jungle gym and have cake and ice cream. The other girls started to play a game where one girl, Maddie, proclaimed herself the queen of the jungle gym and dubbed Madge and another girl her beautiful princesses. She started handing out titles to all the other girls, and when she got to me she said “slave.” I didn’t understand why I had to be the slave, and I said so. Maddie turned to me and said “my mama says dirty Injuns aren’t smart enough to do anything more than drinkin’ and causin’ trouble. Savages don’t get to be princesses.” I stood there shocked; no one had ever so blatantly made me feel different, had told called me a _savage_ just because I looked different from them. Madge then spoke up saying this was her party and she wants me to be a princess with her. Maddie scoffed and whispered (loud enough for me to hear) that Madge was too good to be friends with a _redskin_.

 

            After that I didn’t try to fit in with the other white girls at school. Madge stayed persistent and refused to stop being my friend no matter what Maddie or her friends said about it. And we grew up like that, slowly weaning away from the other girls our age and just being us, best friends. Madge was different from me – girlier, afraid of bugs and snakes and stuff, but I didn’t mind just as she didn’t mind about who I was. She helped keep me from getting too resentful of the other more fortunate kids all around us.

 

            My other best friend was a boy I met on the rez named Gale. Gale’s father was on some kind of committee and knew my father from when they were young. Sometimes my father, grandpa, and I would join him and his father on Sundays to fish or hunt. Afterwards, grandpa would insist that we go to Denny’s for a big breakfast and let me get a big stack of pancakes. Gale’s father and mine would discuss the current goings-on of the tribe while Grandpa would tell Gale and me stories that never seemed to have real endings. He would always stop in what seemed like the middle and nod to himself like he’d spoken something profound while Gale would roll his eyes and I would pester him that there must be more. He would just laugh at me and say I was just like my Grandmother. I never met her, so I didn’t know if that was supposed to be a good thing.

 

            Once, when we were 15, I brought Madge with me to a spring powwow where they were making lots of frybread and buffalo chili and even had a whole tray of peanut butter cookies. When we got there, Gale looked at Madge like she had just kicked his grandmother. I shrugged it off and led Madge to the cookies. A little while later, Gale pulled me aside and asked me “why the hell” I brought a white girl to the rez. I explained to him that she was my friend and I didn’t care if she was white and he snapped at me white people were only nice to Indians out of pity. He said they’d pretend to be nice and then when you trusted them they’d take everything from you. I told him Madge wasn’t like that and he called me naïve. He rolled his eyes and ran away to play basketball with the other boys while I stood there wondering how Gale could say those things about her when he didn’t even _know_ her.

 

            A few months later, my dad was out bartending at a little place a couple miles away that was mostly frequented by other Indians and a few friendly white locals. Around this time, the fracking industry was really taking off in our area in the northern plains. This mean a lot of white folks from places like Texas and Louisiana were moving to our town to work for the oil and gas companies looking to make a lot of money off of the resources. On this particular night, a group of these guys decided to check out the restaurant where my dad was working. They sat down at the bar with a haughty air about them and started shooting whiskey. Somehow a fight began between them and my father suffered a blow to the head the killed him. At least that’s what the police told us a few days later when my mother was worried sick waiting by the phone for Dad to call.

 

            I was devastated. My dad seemed unbreakable to me. I couldn’t believe he had died from a fight – or that he would even _be_ in a fight like that. I missed school for two weeks after that, spending most of it crying, not even bringing myself to go outside to my favorite tree or sit by the creek.

 

            My mother took it even worse. When Prim asked questions about how and why this happened, she would give vague answers or not respond at all. She spent most of the time lying in bed, staring at the empty space beside her and not moving. I grew worried that she was sick too; Prim and I tried to coax her out to eat something but she wouldn’t budge. Prim just kept bringing her peanut butter sandwiches and crackers and tea and fed them to her while she stared blankly at nothing in particular.

 

            I started to grow angry with her. Why wouldn’t she get up? Why didn’t she try to take care of us? Why did she act like she didn’t hear me? One afternoon I snapped and started yelling at her until there were tears in my eyes. I ran out of the house and to the abandoned barn that was near the tree I loved to climb. I slumped to the ground and cried with my head tucked into my knees. I don’t know how much time had passed when I heard something moving next to me. I immediately looked up and saw what had to be the world’s ugliest, dirtiest cat sitting there. I scoffed and made to shoo it away when a thought came to me; Prim adored animals and if I brought one home it just might give her something to do to cheer her up. So I took off my sweatshirt and snatched the thing up in it and brought it home to her. She squealed and a few tears came to her eyes as she whisked him away to wash him. Within a week she had that thing looking like a picture of health. Prim had a gift that way.

 

            With time my mother started coming out of her room to eat more. One afternoon, we were all sitting at the table while Prim and I played checkers, and she suddenly said that she was going to start working as a nurse at the hospital. I was skeptical she would follow through with it but helping others heal seemed to give her a reason to get up each day. Prim welcomed her back with open arms; I was hesitant. I didn’t know why she wouldn’t give us any answers about what happened to Dad and was mad that she seemed to give up on us. I started working at the grocery store and kept up with the Sunday hunting with my Grandpa until he gradually became too tired to do it every week. I think losing a son took some of the energy out of him too, but he never spoke much about what happened either.

 

            We rarely went to the rez after that. My mother didn’t seem to want anything to do with her Indian side anymore. I couldn’t understand why she would give up the part of her that had been my father’s source of pride. Maybe it was too painful to remember him. I didn’t see how that could make you turn your back on your own culture though.

 

            As Grandpa stopped coming out with me on Sunday mornings, Gale started too. His father seemed to be more and more busy with his job on the rez and travelled a lot more. Hunting and fishing with him was comfortable; I didn’t like to do much talking anymore and he didn’t seem to mind. Afterwards we would split our spoils to take home from Ripper. I found that all the things Grandpa used to quiz me about came in handy as the responsibility of feeding myself and Prim seemed to fall on my shoulders; mother seemed to always be at work in the evenings.  

 

            The next couple of years went by like this. Most of my energy was focused on keeping Prim and I fed and healthy and working and going to school. As Prim grew older it became increasingly apparent that she could have a future as something like a doctor or a veterinarian, and I wanted to be able to put her through all that schooling. She deserved it. So I used that as my drive to do well in school and save up money for her college fund.

            My senior year of high school, Gale had invited me to a party with his friends the day after Thanksgiving. Among the indigenous community, Thanksgiving is kind of a sour reminder of the long history we had of helping the white man only to be betrayed in return. I always couldn’t wait for it to be over, it seemed bad things always happened on Thanksgiving and I never particularly enjoyed the day. Well, that night, Gale picked me up in his old pickup truck and drove to some shack he said belonged to his friend Thom. The place was little more than four walls and a roof, and inside were a bunch of people with cheap beer in the hands and probably in their bloodstreams as well. I didn’t particularly care for beer, but I accepted a couple anyways. I was sitting on the couch when Gale plopped down next to me. He was sitting a little too close for my liking, with his left leg nearly on top of my right one. I jumped when he set his hand down on my knee and sighed heavily.

 

            “Um… yes?” I looked at him with a look that I hoped said _get out of my personal space, buddy._

 

            He sighed again. “Katniss, I’m tired of just hooking up with a different girl every week. It’s not as fun anymore.”

 

            “Then maybe you should stop?” I said giving him a strange look. Why would he tell me about that? I had no interest in hearing about that part of his life.

 

            “Yeah, I think I might. I think I should start something steady with a girl I actually feel like I _know_ , ya know?” he looked over at me and I suddenly felt nervous.

 

            “Okay…” I said as he looked at me expectantly.

 

            He sighed again, this time sounding frustrated. “I’m talking about us. You, Katniss. Don’t you think it would make sense for us to date? We’re pretty much the same, I already know everything about you.”

 

            I was starting to feel like gravity was increasing on me. I stuttered for a few moments before I got out “Um… I, well… I don’t really… I don’t think of you like… _Ugh_. I’m not really interested in _dating_ anyone.”

 

            I noticed his nostrils flare slightly. “What do you mean? You’re seventeen, Katniss, don’t you think it’s about time you gave it a shot? I mean, what are you gonna do when you get out of your mom’s house? Don’t you think you ought to entertain the idea of finding someone stable to be with? To take care of you?”

 

            Now I was getting irrated. “No, I don’t think I ought to,” I spat. “And I’m pretty confident in my abilities to take care of myself.”

 

            “Fuck, that’s not what I meant. You know I don’t-“

 

            “Yeah? Well that’s what you said. And if you knew me so well you wouldn’t be so stupid as to say suggest I need a man to take care of me. I’m not interested in dating, Gale. I’m just not. Why did you have to do this? Take a perfectly good friendship and make it awkward?”

 

            He leaned his head back against the couch and he sighed “I just thought I’d put myself out there for a moment, Katniss. Clearly that was the wrong thing to do.” His tone made it obviously he thought he was in the right, as always.

 

            “Gale,” I huffed. “Look, I’m sorry. I’m sure it takes balls to admit your feelings to someone like that, but I thought I’d made it clear through these past few years that dating was just not on my radar. I mean, I’ve told you about what I want to do before. What did you think would happen when you said this to me? That I would suddenly swoon and change my mind?”

 

            “Nevermind, Catnip,” he mumbled. Using that old nickname for me again.

 

            I stood up. “Can we go home now? I want to go home.”

 

            He stared at me. “Fine, whatever,” he groaned. We didn’t speak again on the five-minute ride home or when he parked in the driveway and I let myself out. I practically ran up to the front door, and as I was closing it behind me I saw him still sitting there, watching me, unmoving. He must have noticed the look on my face, because then he snapped out of it and drove off.

 

            Ugh. Why did people always have to turn the good things complicated? I felt a little sad as I wondered if this meant our friendship was over, but I knew that was silly; he just needed some time and we would be back to normal and could forget about this. Besides, I had more important things to think about, like where on earth I was going to school next year. I was starting to realize I wanted it to be far away from this place and all the confusion and bad memories it held.

 

~

 

           


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> So, I wanted to address a few things. The first chapter was mostly background information to kind of explain where Katniss is coming from ending with the event that sparks the rest of the story. The things that don’t make sense will start to as the story goes on. 
> 
> First, I wanted to address the use of the term “Indian” to describe Native Americans. In a lot of tribes in the United States, like the Sioux, Indian is an accepted term most people of the generation before me use. Most of my native relatives use the term in casual conversation. The main reason this still sticks among natives in the US is because it is the term used in the treaties and other documents that still affect native lives today and using it prevents loopholes and such. The term is on the way out, especially in Canada, but it is still widely used among the environment this Katniss has grown up in. In the future chapters, it won’t be as much because she will be leaving Indian country, so you will probably see her use “ndn” or “native” or “indigenous” most often. Ndn stands for “not dead native,” it’s a term our generation likes to use. 
> 
> Racism is a significant factor in some of the crises in this story. So please understand that some of the characters may say offensive things from time to time, and they do not reflect ANY of my personal beliefs. This is about the conflict Katniss will overcome with her interactions with society as well as her personal relationships. Since the Seam/Merchant divide is significant in the books, I thought this might be an interesting take on that kind of issue. And don’t worry, Peeta will be introduced very soon! 
> 
> PS – last thing, my name is Gail (female version of the name) so there are bound to be times when I spell the character Gale’s name wrong without catching it, just a warning!

**Chapter 2**

I went back to school on Tuesday still feeling uneasy about Gale’s confession. I wasn’t very good at facing conflict and it was distracting me from all the work and studying I needed to be focusing. In the hallway that morning, Madge noticed something was up as she kept up her usual banter and I seemed even more distant than usual. I finally tuned in when I heard her say something along the lines of “…and I’m a big purple bear who’s looking for some honey.” No doubt a silly attempt at getting my attention.

 

“Fine, what?” I sighed at her.

 

“What’s with you today? Another bad Thanksgiving?” she asked. She could read me so easily.

 

“Yeah, kind of,” I groaned as the warning bell rang. I walked over to my first class as Madge continued a few doors down. Before I stepped inside she looked back to me and said “lunch” pointing at the clock, indicating that she would be interrogating me then. For some reason, she found the cafeteria to be a good place to talk about personal stuff.

 

As I sat in class all morning trying to pay attention, but ultimately doodling in my notes, I absently listened to the chatter around me. Guys talking about how opening day went. Girls talking about what they bought on Black Friday. And a mixture of both talking about who did what with who and where over the break. I wondered how everyone seemed to have the kind of relationship conflict I was having on a weekly basis and didn’t break down. Probably because the average young adult population has people skills exponentially greater than mine.

 

When I slumped into my seat at the table Madge and I usually sat near the window I tried to calm some of my nerves by looking out at the light snow that had started falling. Snow like that seemed to be a positive thing about winter; it made everything go quiet. People cuddled inside their warm homes, animals in their dens, fewer people out driving in their cars – it was so quiet and peaceful. It was strange how some snowflakes could have that effect on everyone.

 

I was knocked out of my daze when Madge sat down and pulled her lunch out as she said, “Spill.” I sighed; the worst part about talking about my feelings was always the anticipation up until the words started flowing out.

 

“It’s just…Gale,” I said quietly. Madge raised her eyebrows at me indicating that I should continue. “The other night he took me to some party on the rez, and out of the blue just came at me with this idea that we should date because it ‘makes sense’ and it’s apparently about time I give it a try? Like I’m far from an expert on this stuff, but I’m pretty sure my feelings should also be a factor in such a situation.”

 

Madge rolled her eyes. “He’s a guy, Katniss. You two spend so much time together. You can’t expect the idea to never cross his mind.”

 

“Okay, but why did he have to go and tell me all that? It just makes everything awkward between us and I like just having him as my friend.”

 

“Well, did you tell him that?” she asked.

 

I looked at her. “Yes, of course I did.”

 

She held up her hands, “Just checking. You’re not exactly a genius when it comes to social conventions.”

 

Now I rolled my eyes. “Anyways, after I got home I just kept thinking about how he said it made sense, like it was _expected_ of us. And that just… sounds so unappealing to me.”

 

Madge snorted. It was pretty obvious I didn’t exactly tend to do what people expected me to do.

 

I sighed and continued. “I just wish I could afford to do something like you. Go to some good school far away and be around people who don’t know enough about me to expect me to act a certain way. I’m tired of that. I don’t want to sit here and work at some dead end job for the rest of my life; I mean, I really want Prim to be able to follow her dreams, and if I can get myself in a better, more stable position, I could afford to give her that opportunity.”

 

Madge nodded. She knew how much I adored my little sister. Well, _everyone_ pretty much adored Prim. She was just so _good_.

 

Madge looked pensive. “You know, Katniss, you’re one of the top students in our class. Plus, with your background on top of your academics, I’m sure there are scholarships you could get. My uncle works in the Admissions Office at Penn State, I can help you apply there if you want.”

 

I paused. That was a generous offer, and I wasn’t used to taking charity. But, considering how much this whole “future” thing was stressing me out, I figured I could accept a little help from my best friend, as long as it wasn’t financial donations. “Okay. Do they have a good environmental program? I’m pretty sure that’s what I want to do.”

 

Madge smiled, “Yes, in fact they’re pretty well known for it! Oh my gosh this is so exciting! If you get in, we could be in college together!”

 

I nodded. I had to admit the idea sounded nice – at least I would have one person who knew and understood me there with me. I tried not to get too excited though; college was very expensive, and my savings account was definitely not big enough to afford a school like Penn State without some serious scholarships. I allowed myself to be excited enough, though, that I decided it would be the first thing I did when I got home that afternoon – looking into scholarships. Knowing Madge’s family and connections, having her help was looking promising as well.

 

 

A few days later I finally tore myself away from the computer to join Prim and my mom for dinner – tonight was one of the few nights she wasn’t working – and pondered whether I should tell them about what I’d been up to or wait until I knew I’d get in. I didn’t want to disappoint them if I didn’t.

 

“Katniss, you look exhausted. What have you been working on all week in there?” my mother asked, pointing towards the room where the laptop was sitting.

 

I bit my lip. _Should I go for it?_

 

“Um, I’ve been working on some scholarship essays… and applications,” I said quietly.

 

My mother gave me a soft smile. “Really? That’s good that you’re planning ahead now. College is a lot of work, and I don’t just mean the studying.”

 

“I know…” I sighed. _Thanks for pointing out the obvious._

“Where are you applying?” Prim piped up.

 

“Um…” I hesitated. “Some local schools that seem affordable…. And Madge is helping me with the school she’s going to.” I was evading the question.

 

“Oh? Which one is that?” my mother asked. She seemed genuinely interested.

 

“Um… Penn State…” I paused, waiting to see her reaction, but she just kept looking at me waiting for me to say more. “Her uncle works in the admissions office, and she said she could maybe pass my information on to him to help me sort of, stand out as an applicant I guess…” I rambled. “But I’m also applying for every scholarship I qualify for… Penn State is so expensive… but they have a great environmental program.”

 

I realized I sounded like I was trying too hard to sell my idea. I held my breath waiting to see if my mom would be upset – we were not well off monetarily. My mother made an okay salary for a woman living on her own, but she wasn’t – she had a family to care for and two daughters who very much wanted to go to college.

 

But she surprised me. “Oh dear, that’s a big change. But I think you have a good shot at getting it, Katniss. You’ve always been such a hard worker, and I know your grades are more than enough to be accepted. You may even get an academic scholarship from the school!”

 

The fact that my mother, who was often very pessimistic, was saying all this made me feel a lot more hopeful about all of it. “Thank you,” I said shyly hiding a grin. Prim was giving me a look I couldn’t so easily read.

 

“How far away is Penn State?” she asked.

 

“Pretty far, little duck,” I sighed. “It’s all the way in Pennsylvania, you know where that is?” She nodded. I realized she was probably worrying about how often she would get to see me.

“Don’t worry, Madge will be there too, I’ll have someone familiar with me, as well as someone going home to the same place I am. If she’s bringing her car I’m sure we’ll be carpooling home on breaks.” I didn’t mention that I’d probably owe her about a million dollars in gas money by the end of the year.

 

“Oh okay, that’s good. Katniss, I hope you get in. You deserve this,” Prim said sincerely. It made me feel better that she was at least on board with the idea.

 

“Thanks, Prim. I really hope so too. It’d be nice to see a different part of the country, and maybe walk down a street where not everyone knows who I am,” I said, starting to daydream a little. _And no expectations of who I should be or what I should do_ , I thought to myself. The idea already made me feel freer. _Like a bird let out of her cage._

 

“I bet there will be _so_ many cute boys there, too!” Prim gushed. I rolled my eyes. Prim was always a romantic; of course she’d think of that when talking about, you know, my career and whole future. She noticed me rolling my eyes and said, “oh come on, Katniss! At least give some of them a chance.”

 

Her words reminded me of the situation with Gale. I still hadn’t spoken to him since the party. Why was everyone always saying that to me? That I should give someone a chance? What if I didn’t want to? I shouldn’t have to do something that makes me uncomfortable just because I might hurt someone’s feelings. It was better to be honest from the beginning, right?

 

Prim was still looking at me expectantly. I sighed, “Yeah, okay, maybe.” I conceded.

 

Prim smiled. Apparently that answer was good enough for her.

 

“Well, why don’t you finish eating and get some rest. You have been glued to that desk every night this week, and your brain needs a break to function at its best!” my mother said to me. I didn’t really feel like resting, I admittedly was too excited thinking about it all that I wanted to finish everything, and do it perfectly. I wanted to fast forward to next year already; the possibilities were actually making me feel _giddy._ But then I stopped myself. I am not the kind of person to get carried away daydreaming. That only set me up to be hurt when reality decided otherwise.

 

I decided maybe resting from all of it was a good idea. I finished my dinner and rinsed my plate in the sink; it was Prim’s turn to wash the dishes tonight. I said goodnight to them both and went off to the bed Prim and I shared. I passed out almost as soon as I closed my eyes, and, for once, I had some pleasant dreams.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

That winter was a harsh one, not that it was anything new. I didn’t do much hunting or spending time outside since, well, Minnesota. One Sunday over Christmas break I went to see Grandpa in hopes of convincing him to go ice fishing with me.

 

            “Ahh is that you? Have we met before, young lady?” he greeted me at the door as I put the heating blanket over the hood of our ’03 Camry.

 

            I laughed. “Hey Grandpa. Do you mind if I come in for a bit?”

 

            “Of course, I’ve been waiting for you.” I stared at him. “Well, any pretty girl,” he laughed.

 

            I gave him a small smile. “How’ve you been doing? Gone fishing recently?”

 

            He ignored my question, “Hey, do you think I could borrow a few of those long locks?” He held up a piece of my hair, he pulled this joke all the time since his hairline was greatly receded.

 

            I pulled my hair back. “I came to ask if you’d like to go ice fishing with me sometime in the next few days? It’s been a while since we just hung out together.”

 

            “I was wondering when you’d come asking. Hey, do you still have some of that jerky left from the last time?” Avoiding the question. Grandpa didn’t want to talk about this, apparently.

 

            I sighed, giving up for now. I could just spend time with him today and come back to this later. “So, how’s the college hunt going?” he asked. I decided it might be a good idea to talk to him about it.

 

            “Well, you know my friend Madge? Before break she helped me send in my application to Penn State and finish all my essays for the scholarships I qualify for. Hopefully I hear back from them soon,” I explained.

 

            Grandpa chuckled. “The State Pen, eh? That’s a long ways away from Indian country.”

 

            “I know. I’m just kind of hoping for a sort of fresh start, you know? And they have a good environmental program so hopefully I’d be able to get a good job after graduation to help Prim get through college herself.”

 

            He nodded, “That’s very good. My granddaughters, the smart, beautiful scientists. Your father would be so happy to see you doing so well.”

 

            The mention of my father dampened my mood a little. “I miss him,” I said quietly, surprised that Grandpa heard me.

 

            “That’s the way of things. Walking the Red Road has never been easy. As my father used to say, ‘Sometimes it’s a good day to die, and sometimes it’s a good day to have breakfast.’”

 

            I laughed, “That’s from Smoke Signals.” Grandpa was so full of shit sometimes. _Smoke Signals_ was kind of like the _Mean Girls_ of the indigenous community – everyone had seen it a hundred times, and everyone could quote it randomly.

 

            He smiled - he’d been caught. He and I were like that with each other. Strangers would always stare at my grandpa after he’d made some joke or told some story they didn’t understand about some amazing thing he claimed to have done that never really happened. The only people who seemed to call out his exaggerating were me, and according to him and my father, my Grandmother. That was probably a big factor in why he married her.

 

            “You know, it will be very different for you on the east coast. A lot of those folks have never even known a real Indian before. Be prepared for a whole lot of stupid questions coming your way,” he warned.

 

            Of course I expected it to be different. I’d never been further east than Chicago, but it couldn’t be too bad, could it? At least if they hadn’t been around many of us, they probably didn’t have all the awful, stereotypical opinions the people out here did… To be honest, I was just hoping not to run into many Redskins fans. It seemed ridiculous to me that they would have a sports team named after such a nasty slur… how could they think that was okay?

 

            “Don’t worry, Grandpa. I’m sure I can handle some spoiled wasicu kids.” He didn’t look convinced though. I knew my grandpa had spent some time in DC in his younger days when AIM was gaining traction. He didn’t talk much about the racism to me though; I guess he thought I had enough to worry about. I wasn’t someone who let harsh words get to me much, anyways.

 

 

When I came back to school after the winter break, Madge was waiting by my locker with a huge grin on her face. “Guess what!” she said before I could even say hello.

 

I gave her a look, waiting for her to continue. “My uncle reviewed your application package – he said your academics and history looked very impressive! And he said he’s almost certain they’ll be offering you a scholarship - they’re dying to have some variety in their student body.”

 

Hearing this made me excited, but I had to remind myself that nothing was final, yet. “Thanks so much for your help, Madge. I really owe you one.”

 

            “Nonsense! You’re doing me a _favor_ by ditching this town with me for big college life. Oh my gosh! We could be roommates.” She said excitedly. The idea actually did sound appealing to me.

 

            “That would actually be awesome. Do you know when they’ll be getting back to me on all of this?” I couldn’t stand the anticipation for something so important for my future.

 

            “I’m not sure. Probably in a few weeks. Ah! We can go dorm shopping, get some new party clothes – imagine how many cute boys there will be! There are so many students there, it’s going to be amazing!” She gushed on, but I didn’t mind. At least if I couldn’t get too excited just yet, she could do it for me.

 

 

            As the winter slowly began to thaw, I started to feel more and more hopeful and excited for what was to come. Madge was right – my acceptance letter came a few weeks after our conversation. I’d been offered a partial scholarship from the university itself – which still wasn’t enough for me to afford the tuition – but Madge tried to keep me hopeful that there were still some other scholarships that would be announced towards the end of the school year. I was grateful just to be accepted at such a school; my father had to join the military if he had any hopes of getting an education, and my mother had taken years to be able to complete her nursing degree at the technical school in Minneapolis. It made me feel good to continue the legacy of going to college, and I was hopeful that at least I’d be able to help Prim get the same opportunities.

 

            In late April, the school had a scholarship banquet for us at a hotel dining room. I sat with my mother and sister for what must’ve been hours as they read off all the names, growing more anxious as time went on that I’d be winning anything. They hadn’t gotten to any of the American Indian scholarships yet, and I knew that at least out of the other ndn students in our class, I probably had the best grades.

 

            After they said there were only 5 more scholarships to go, I started biting my nails. Really? Did I have to be _last_? Apparently, I did. The last two announced were the ones I’d been waiting for, and when they called my name and Madge started whistling, I couldn’t help the huge grin that came over my face. I was vaguely aware of being photographed standing with the school principal, and felt like I was floating as we walked out of the hotel, with Prim swinging our hands back and forth as she and Madge talked about how much fun the next year was going to be. And finally, I let myself feel a little happy and relieved that things were looking good.

 

            After graduation, one of our friends, Bristol, was having an end of the year bonfire at his house. He was an off-rez ndn too, so we had a lot of mutual friends. They included Gale.

 

            As we were sitting roasting marshmallows while some of the guys were playing some kind of drinking game version of “Never Have I Ever,” Gale plopped down on the makeshift log/bench next to me. Madge was off talking to some other girls, and he’d caught me alone. I realized this was probably as good a time as ever to tell him about my plans for the fall.

 

            “So I heard you’re heading east for some big fancy college in Virginia or something?” he asked.

 

            “Pennsylvania. And where did you hear that?” I questioned him.

 

            “I heard it in the wind,” I gave him a look and he chuckled. “Your grandpa’s been telling everyone on the rez about his genius granddaughter going off to some great white man’s university.” Of course it was Grandpa. I couldn’t bring myself to be annoyed with him though, he was allowed to feel some pride for his family.

 

            “Yeah,” I nodded slowly. “Madge and I are heading out there the 3rd week of August to move into our apartment.”

 

            “An apartment, eh? Not staying in a dorm and getting the typical college experience?” He lifted an eyebrow at me and took another sip of some type of brown liquor Bristol had provided.

 

            “Yes, it’s much cheaper for me to live off campus and not have to pay for housing and a meal plan. I mean, the apartment’s nothing fancy, but it’ll be fine. I’m just lucky to be able to do this.” He nodded, and I was surprised that he didn’t seem angry with me. I thought he’d have a few things to say about me leaving to go learn around a bunch of east coast white kids who seemed a little too enthusiastic about football.

 

            “You seem happy about it. I’m glad. Trying something new isn’t something I expected you to do,” he said.

 

            “Yeah well, I don’t want to just fit into the life I’m _expected_ to live,” I said pointedly, referencing our conversation after Thanksgiving about being _expected_ to end up together.

 

            “No, you sure don’t. Just promise me one thing: don’t forget where you come from. People out there… they don’t know our history, they don’t know who we are and how we remain. Don’t let them turn you into some kind of apple – red on the outside, white on the inside. Okay?” he sounded serious.

 

            I snorted quietly. “You know I won’t let anyone change who I am.” I tried to sound confident but he still looked concerned. I brushed it off though; Gale was always a little paranoid when it came to this stuff.

 

 

            As the summer went on, I spent most of it working to save up money for the upcoming year; I had to pay for my own food and electricity and stuff at the apartment Madge and I were sharing. When the day came for us to leave, Madge’s father had rented a small trailor to transport her stuff and some of mine; the apartment was furnished, so we didn’t have too much to bring, but definitely too much to fit in Madge’s little VW Jetta. We were leaving early in the morning on Friday – move in to the apartment was on Saturday after 10 am. We would be driving through the day and stopping to spend the night at a motel in Indiana, then continuing on to State College the next morning to arrive around 2 pm. Madge’s father was going to spend the night there with us so we could take our time unloading the trailer before he left back for home on Sunday.

 

            In Madge’s car was just she and I, and we spent the first couple of hours just talking about what classes we were taking and other things we would be doing in the coming weeks. After a while, my lack of sleep caught up to me and I set an alarm to nap for a little while. When I woke up, it was near noon and we stopped for lunch somewhere near the border of Wisconsin and Illinois. I offered to drive for a couple hours to give Madge a chance to rest, and we switched back just after we’d crossed into Indiana and Madge drove us to where we were staying for the night. We all passed out very quickly after ordering a pizza to our room for dinner.

 

            The drive the next day was shorter, but it felt much longer. I couldn’t keep the butterflies in my stomach controlled, and by the time we pulled off the highway exit labeled “Atherton,” I was fidgeting from excitement. As we walked into the apartment, the first thing I noticed was the faint smell of weed. As we walked in and out I noticed a lot of our neighbors were guys, who might’ve made me nervous, but I knew I could take any one of them. I wondered how they got away with smoking out in the open like that, but our complex was kind of hidden among some trees surrounding us, and there didn’t seem to be many police around. Madge’s father walked down the street to pick up a pizza again for dinner, and we collapsed once more soon afterwards. I needed to catch up on my sleep if I wanted to be ready for classes to start on Monday.

 

            As soon as Madge’s father left on Sunday, she turned to me with a mischievous grin on her face as she pulled out a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff from one of her bags. I realized what she was suggesting and quickly tried to reason with her.

 

            “Madge, classes start tomorrow. I don’t want to be hungover on my first day of college.”

            She started to protest. “ _Everyone_ is hungover on their first day of college.” I didn’t budge, and she sighed as she put the bottle in the freezer. “Fine, but we _will_ go out later this week.” I wished she’d meant on the weekend, but I knew she meant before then. The first week of classes was known as “sylly week” among the students, which was some kind of reference to how most classes would simply be reviewing the syllabus for at least the first few days.

 

            On Monday morning I woke up bright and early to get ready for my first class at 9 am. It was a lecture called “Soils 101” and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I left 45 minutes early so I had time to get lost finding the building without being late, and made it there rather easily. The building was right next to my advisors office near the famous creamery, and I sat down relieved that at least things were going well so far. The professor was a small little man I’d seen parking his bike outside. As expected, he went over the syllabus and what book and materials we would need for the course before he let us go. My major wasn’t too big, so I was expecting to have classes with a lot of the same people, but apparently this one overlapped with a lot of majors in the AgSci college, so it was held in a bigger lecture hall. Bigger than I’d every known back home, but nowhere near the sizes I heard some other classes would be at such a big school. There were maybe around 60 people in it. I didn’t look around much, but later in the week I had a lab that went with the class that was smaller, so I’d probably meet some of my classmates then.

 

            The rest of the morning went like this. Around lunch I met Madge at some place called the Hub to eat. She mostly talked about how her professors seemed so far, and how she had embarrassed herself walking in late to a large econ class and stumbled up the stairs looking for an empty seat. As we ate, Madge’s eyes would wander to the people around us - she was scoping out the cute boys.

 

When I got up to head to my last class of the day, I was staring at the wall that had about 8 different trash bins each labeled for different products: plastic recyclables, compost, paper, glass, landfill, etc., when someone next to me chuckled and said “I’ve been doing the same thing. I feel like it’s some kind of test to sort out my garbage.”

 

I looked and was met with a pair of blue eyes that somehow were even deeper than Madge’s. I stared for a second before I nodded and gave a small smile to the smiling blond boy standing next to me. He opened his mouth to continue a conversation, but I mumbled something about having to go to class and turned away before I could see his reaction.

 

            That afternoon I stopped at the bookstore to wait in the long line and pick up the books I found listed in the syllabus for each class. As I waited, I couldn’t get the boy’s smile out of my head. For some reason, it puzzled me how someone could have eyes that blue and warm. When I got home, I forced it out of my mind as I tried to focus on the homework I was trying to get ahead on and told myself social things could be handled after I got on track with my academics. When Prim called that night to ask me how my first day went, I felt a little flutter in my chest when I answered “Good, very good.”

           


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

            On Tuesday morning I had another 9am class. It was something called CAS 100 that my advisor said was some public speaking class everyone at the university was required to take. As I was walking up the sidewalk by Old Main, I was already dreading it. Public speaking was not I enjoyed, in fact they few times I’d had to face it in high school were utter disasters. Once when I was in 10th grade, I’d fainted during my history presentation on The Battle of Little Bighorn. The teacher hated me because once I had slipped and called it “Racist City, South Dakota” instead of Rapid City. It was what Gale always called it and I forgot that it wasn’t actually called that. He was an old white man who last name was literally _Custer._ He swore they weren’t related, but I looked at it as a sign that this guy was not going to be good.

 

            When I walked in the class, there were still a few empty seats, and I was relieved that one of them was in the back. This looked like it would be a class of about 20 students, which was similar to some high school classes I’d had. I pulled out my phone and started scrolling through ictmn.com as I waited for the professor to arrive. I was trying to keep my mind occupied so as to keep myself from already getting anxious for the inevitable speeches to come.

 

            I looked up when someone near me said “Hey.” I realized the person was talking to me. I met a pair of impossibly blue eyes and – _damn it._ It was him again. Of course he had to be in this class. As if I weren’t already having trouble focusing.

 

            I nodded and looked back down at my phone as he took the seat next to me. When the professor finally walked in, I noticed the boy was smirking at something on his phone. Probably a snapchat from some girl he’d met at a sylly week party; he seemed to be the type of person who made friends left and right.

 

            The teacher introduced himself as _Dr._ Fredrickson. The way he emphasized that he was a doctor in the English department was already setting of the pretentious alarms in my mind. He passed out syllabi to the students who hadn’t already printed theirs before class and started to go over it and I zoned out a little. When going over the rules, he started to rant a little about students using their cell phones, and I noticed this guy acted a lot like a high school teacher. Even after one day of classes, I’d seen that most of the professors treated us more like adults and trusted us with out own responsibilities, and this guy was starting to make it clear that he was not going to be like those professors. Great. As if I didn’t hate Public Speaking enough, as if the boy with impossibly blue eyes weren’t sitting next to me in this class, on top of that I had to get this professor.

 

            After he finished going over the syllabus, he said that we were going to go around the room and stand to introduce ourselves: where we were from, what we were studying, and on a scale of 1-10 how confident we were in our public speaking abilities. I groaned to myself, wondering if he would be mad if I gave myself a rating of 1.

 

            The professor started with himself. I was surprised when he said he was from Minnesota, though I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to have anything in common with this guy. He talked about all the degrees he’d completed and went on a tangent about his love of theater before he stopped himself and called on the person at the front corner near his podium. It seemed this professor did a lot of talking to himself.

 

            They went around the room, and I didn’t pay much attention until it got to be the blue-eyed boy’s turn. He stood up and I couldn’t help but notice the subtle movements of his muscles as he stretched slightly in his t-shirt.

 

            “Hi, my name is Peeta Mellark,” he had a bright smile. I noticed this boy seemed to be a morning person – most college kids were not in that good of a mood at 9 am. “I’m from southwest PA in a town you’ve all probably never heard of where my family runs a bakery and Polish grocery store. I’m here studying Food Science in the AgSci College and I’m a freshman. I guess I would rate my public speaking abilities at about an 8, I’ve never had much trouble with it, and everyone seemed to like my salutatorian speech at graduation last spring.” He sounded like he was trying to play it humble, and after hearing just a few sentences I could tell this boy had a way with words. He smiled at and glanced over towards me as he sat back down and the professor made a few comments, as he had for every other student so far. I dreaded the next few minutes as he started making the way down my row and trying not to panic as I thought about what I would say.

 

            _My name is Katniss Everdeen. I’m from Pelican Lake, Minnesota and I’m a registered Dakota Sioux. I’m an ERM Environmental Science major and I’m a freshman. I would rate my public speaking skills at-_

           I was cut off from my thoughts as the professor nodded to me. I took a deep breath as I stood up and cleared my throat softly.

 

            “Uh… my name is Katniss Everdeen. I’m from Pelican Lake, Minnesota, which is little ways east of Fargo, North Dakota… I’m a registered Dakota Sioux and I came here to study Environmental Science. Um, I’m also a freshman and I guess I would rate my… um, public speaking skills at like… a two.” I exhaled and hoped the professor would just let me sit back down without pointing out the low score I’d just given.

 

            But of course, that was wishful thinking. “Oh my,” he drew out the words. “A two? You couldn’t possibly be that unconfident about such a simple thing.”

 

            I gulped. Maybe it was my nerves, but it sounded like he was patronizing me. I just nodded as I stared down at the desk, trying to tune out as he went on yet another tangent about how public speaking isn’t so bad and everyone can improve their abilities in his class if they would allow him to help, blah, blah blah. I felt my face get a little hot and hoped everyone, especially the boy who said his name was Peeta, wasn’t looking at me with pity. The last thing I wanted was pity. I should’ve just made up my answer instead of being honest, I should’ve said five or something so as not to draw attention to myself.

 

            When he announced class was over, I packed up quickly and headed out the door before anyone could say anything to me. I didn’t have another class until two, so I planned on going back to the apartment to try and forget how that class had gone. Maybe I could go for a run or something and blow off some steam.

 

            When I got home, I ended up laying on my bed as I turned on my _Joan Baez_ Spotify playlist. I tried to just listened to the stories in her songs; reading and hearing stories always seemed to make me feel calm. After a little while, the song _Silver Dagger_ came on and I started thinking again about how things hadn’t really been the same since Gale’s confession last Thanksgiving. I thought about Prim’s deal with me that I had to at least give some of the boys here a chance. I didn’t understand why everyone wanted me to open up to someone like that; why did I have to fall in love? The lyrics of the song filled my mind “ _for I’ve been warned, and I’ve decided to sleep alone all of my life._ ” Why couldn’t I do just that without everyone trying to push me to do otherwise?

 

            I dozed off until I heard Madge come in and shuffle around the kitchen. I looked at my phone and saw that it said 1:25. That was cutting it close to get to my 2 o’clock class, which was on North campus. I walked into the bathroom and re-braided my hair before nodding to Madge who was eating a bowl of cereal on the couch and watching _Law and Order: SVU._ I was grateful that running late gave me an excuse to shrug off her questions about how my morning went.

 

            The rest of the day was uneventful. I didn’t have much more homework that I could get ahead on so after dinner Madge and I settled in for a movie while eating some kettle corn I’d made on the stove. She didn’t pester me much until the movie was over.

 

            “So? What’s up? How’d your second day go? Meet any cute boys yet?” she teased. I blushed slightly and hoped she didn’t see in the dark lighting of our makeshift movie theater/living room.

 

            She did though. When I just shrugged, she gave me a look and I knew I’d been caught. “It’s nothing, just this guy I ran into yesterday after lunch. It turns out he’s in my stupid public speaking class. Oh, and he’s tall and strong and confident while I’m small and pathetic with social interaction.” It was easier to say these things out loud to Madge.

 

            She rolled her eyes and laughed a little bit. “You’re not pathetic. And I’m sure the guys on this campus have never met a girl like you, they’re probably all stealing glances at you while you’re not looking.”

 

            I snorted, “Yeah, okay. I just wish I didn’t have to take this stupid class. The professor seems like a jerk, too…”

 

            She didn’t let me change the subject. “So? This boy? What’s he look like? Did you get his number?”

 

            Of course that’s all she was interested in. “No,” I admitted. “And um, well… he’s got blond hair, blue eyes like yours… he said his family owns a bakery.”

 

            “Blue eyes ‘like mine’?” she questioned with a smirk appearing on her face. “So you took some time to observe them, huh?” She poked me.

 

            “Shut up,” I grumbled. She was right, but I wasn’t about to admit to her that some boy’s eyes had mesmerized me – I would never hear the end of the I told you so’s and Just give him a chance’s.

 

            She let up after that, and I yawned as I got up to get ready for bed. When I was getting in shower, I looked in the mirror for a moment and tried to see what it was that Madge was talking about when she said I was _beautiful_ and _unique_. I knew I looked different than these other students, but Madge never said that to me to point it out. She wanted me to be confident about it. I guess I could try to do that.

 

           

            The next day, I had the same three classes as I did on Monday, and I met Madge for lunch in the Hub again, but there was no sign of Peeta. I felt relieved but at the same time a little disappointed – I found I had been looking forward to getting a glimpse of those blue eyes again. Luckily, Madge didn’t notice or tease me about it. Until later that night.

 

            After another night of spaghetti and buttered toast, we both sat on the couch trying to think of something to do; neither of us had class until noon tomorrow and I had done all the getting ahead that I could so far. When Madge mentioned that a boy in her econ class had invited her to some kind of “hi-lighter party,” I surprised both of us by not completely shooting down the idea.

 

            “So what is a hi-lighter party?” I asked as Madge started searching her closet for an outfit.

 

            “Well, you go wearing something white, and bring a hi-lighter or a marker, and basically draw on each other. The main point is to write your phone numbers on each other. So, like, if a guy thinks you’re cute, he’ll write his number on your shirt and maybe his name and something like ‘text me’. Guys get a lot more excited about it than girls do, generally.” She pulled out a plain white tank top and a pair of skinny jeans.

 

            “Ew… what if I don’t want to talk to them?” She laughed at my face as she said, “then you don’t have to. It’s not like it’s a requirement. It’s just a way to meet people, I guess.”

 

            Normally the idea wouldn’t appeal to me, but I figure it couldn’t hurt to see what it was like. And I could use it as an excuse later when Prim would ask if I’ve made any new friends yet.

 

            I went back to my room and picked out a similar outfit, throwing on a pair of converse as I walked back into the kitchen. Madge had two shot glasses and a Gatorade sitting on the counter as she started pouring the Smirnoff into each of them.

 

            “What’s this?” I question, pointing to the counter.

 

            “Katniss, this is called _alcohol_ ,” she was mocking me. “College kids drink it when they want to have fun.”

 

            I gave her a look. “Yes, but why are you pouring out shots now? Won’t they have drinks at the party?”

 

            “Of course, this is called pregaming. You don’t wanna show up completely sober, especially you with your social skills, do you?” She was teasing me, but I knew she wouldn’t try to make me if I said no.

 

            I decided to go for it. “Alright,” I said as I picked up one of the glasses to bring it to my lips.

 

            “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” she put her hand up to stop me. I gave her a questioning look. “We have to toast and do it together!”

 

            I sighed and held mine up as she clicked hers against it. I threw it back and took a sip of the Gatorade. We repeated this a couple more times. I was starting to feel a little tipsy as Madge linked her arm with mine and we walked down towards the shuttle stop.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [These are the original notes I posted with this chapter on ff]
> 
> Hi! So this is the long awaited real interaction with Peeta. I hope this story is going well so far. I have an outline planned out with a whole lot of crazy stuff to come, so this chapter is still kind of setting the stage for the main plot of this story. I’d love to hear what you think!

**Chapter 5**

The shuttle bus was full of people talking loudly and smelling like alcohol. I knew everyone talked about how people did this every night during “sylly” week, but it was still hard to believe that so many people were going out on a _Wednesday._ Our stop came before most of the freshman dorms, so Madge and I were able to get seats. After we passed through East campus, I think there must’ve been more people standing than sitting. I felt sorry for the bus driver, and made sure to thank her when we got off.

 

When we got off the bus, Madge pulled out her phone, where she had entered the address of this place into her Google maps app and tried to direct us despite her impaired sense of direction. I worried that there would be police out everywhere trying to catch underage students, but it seemed they were mostly going after the unruly kids and the lines outside of the bars.

 

As we walked and I was observing all of this, I took a deep breath. So this was college life. I’d never seen so many drunk people my age – actually, I’d never seen so many people my age. It was a little overwhelming, but also sort of a relief; I could slip among a crowd unnoticed. I didn’t worry as frequently about people staring at me; there were students here from all over the country - and international ones, too. It made me feel free.

 

When we arrived at the address on Madge’s phone, we looked up at the house that was supposedly where this party was being held. I faintly heard music and bass echoing through the ground. There were a couple guys standing by the front door, and a few people hanging out on the porch with red solo cups in their hands. When we walked up to the door, Madge told the guys standing there the name of her friend who had invited her. One of them said “Nice, Connor knows how to pick ‘em. Go on in, ladies.”

 

When I walked inside, there were a lot of people around and the air was a little warm, but the music seemed to be coming from the basement. Madge grabbed my hand and led me towards the stairs, wanting to look for the boy – Connor – who had invited her. When we got downstairs there were some blacklights and a colorful discoball-like thing hanging from the ceiling. They had some plywood boards stacked up against a table that seemed to be the makeshift bar, and behind it were stacks of Yeungling and several bottles of that cheap liquor – Vladdy, as Madge called it – sitting on the table. Madge recognized Connor as one of the boys behind the bar and pulled me along through the sea of dancing bodies towards him.

 

“Heyyyy Connor!” Madge slurred a little. Connor looked away from the other boy he was talking to and a smile came over his face as he recognized Madge.

 

“Oh, hey Madge! Glad you could make it,” he looked at me and gave a slight nod in greeting.

 

“This is my roommate, and number one bro, Katniss. We went to high school together,” she explained, putting her arm around my shoulder. I smiled shyly before looking down at the not-so-appealing supply of beverages on the table.

 

“Nice to meet you, Katniss. Well, would you girls like something to drink? Beer, Vladdy, we’ve got a limited supply of jungle juice that I could get for you,” he winked at Madge. I surprised myself by answering first, “the jungle juice… stuff.” I blushed as Madge turned to me with a look on her face before turning back to Connor with a nod. He walked behind the stack of six-packs and filled two cups of with a purple colored liquid out of one of those Gatorade containers they had on the sidelines at football games.

 

As we turned back to the dance floor, I jumped a little when I felt someone touch the back of my shoulder.   I turned to find a boy only slightly taller than me with an open marker, apparently caught in the middle of writing on my shirt. Madge giggled at me – I must’ve had a startled look on my face – and I tried to relax and smile back at the kid.

 

He looked a little frightened of me, actually. “Uh… sorry. I just… uh, you’re pretty hot,” he mumbled as Madge covered her mouth laughing. I narrowed my eyes at her before turning back to the boy.

 

“Um… It’s okay, you just startled me, is all.” He still stood there. “What?” I asked.

 

He bit his lip before stuttering out, “um… c-can I finish, um, what I was doing?” He wanted to write the rest of his number on me.

 

“Oh. Um, yeah, okay,” I said as I turned back around, trying to glare at Madge but starting to smile myself too before the boy mumbled a thanks and walked away into the crowd.

 

“See? Already making these guys nervous,” Madge said to me.

 

“Yeah, right. It was probably just the beer messing with his vision,” I dismissed it. I wasn’t good at admitting that someone might have genuinely found me attractive.

 

We downed the purple juice in our cups before disposing of them in a large trash bag sitting next to the “bar.” Madge grabbed my hands and pulled me to the dance floor for a little while – the occasional guy coming up to write on our shirts – before pulling me back up the stairs saying she had to find the bathroom. There was a long line through the hallway leading up to it, and Madge cringed a little before another girl walked passed us and said there was another one upstairs. We went up another floor and found another line leading to a door at the end of the hall, but this line was much shorter. As we leaned against the wall, a girl walked by with paper cups that had red and green jello in them. Madge snatched a couple from her and handed me a green one.

 

I laughed, “Really? You think we need more?”

 

She shrugged. “It’s free, might as well take advantage of it. Besides, jello shots are like, nothing.” We slurped them up as the line inched forward slowly. I watched as the door to the bathroom opened and three people walked out – two girls and one guy – and I turned to Madge with a slightly grossed out look on my face. She just laughed and shrugged at me again before someone opening a door to what must’ve been a bedroom right across from us stole my attention.

 

I froze as I recognized him. That blue-eyed kid I seemed to run into everywhere, Peeta.

 

He saw me and smiled widely. “Hey! It’s Katniss, right? Wow, I’m glad to see you here.”

 

Madge lifted her eyebrows at me and I swallowed. “Um… Yeah. Hi, um, Peeta. Uh… this is my roommate, Madge.” I wanted to divert his eyes away from me. As they were boring into me, I got a strange feeling in my lower stomach and hoped it wasn’t the alcohol disagreeing with me.

 

“Well hello, _Peeta,_ ” Madge emphasized. I’d made the mistake of telling her his name at lunch that day. “Would you believe I’ve already heard a bit about you?”

 

My face turned red as I glared at her. Peeta’s smiled grew even wider. “Is that so? I have to say, hearing that is kind of making my night.” He looked at me again, with his smile unwavering, as I suddenly felt a little dizzy. _Think, Katniss._ I needed an explanation to take those embarrassing grins off of both of their faces.

 

“I, um… I just said that I ran into you the other day, and then you turned out to be in my awful public speaking class,” he nodded, but his smile still didn’t waver. Madge wiggled her eyebrows at me, silently communicating that she agreed – he was _indeed_ attractive.

 

“Did you really mean that? When you gave yourself a two?” he asked. Of course, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I looked down and nodded as I mumbled a “Yes.” For some reason, I didn’t have the energy to lie to him.

 

“Awe, I’m sure you’re better than you think. I’m talking to you right now, and I have a hard time believing people wouldn’t love listening to that beautiful voice of yours,” he sounded sincere and we both blushed even deeper as I came up with a lack of response to deny his compliment. Madge took the opportunity to speak for me, again.

 

“Oh, she does have a lovely voice, doesn’t she? You should hear her sing. She thinks I don’t hear, but she hums to herself in the mornings always sings in the shower. It’s amazing,” Madge said, and I glared at her for continuing this _Let’s all fawn over Katniss_ -fest she and Peeta were having. She still smiled, though - she really meant it.

 

“Is that so? I have a bit of a weakness for beautiful things… maybe I’ll be lucky enough to hear her myself sometime,” this time he didn’t sound as confident. I realized that as relaxed and comfortable as he always seemed, he looked a bit nervous at the vague invitation. Was I _that_ scary?

 

“Oh, I will make _sure_ that happens,” Madge winked at me. “Hey, why don’t you write your number on her shirt? I’ll make sure she actually texts you.” I was going to kill her, but at the same time… I was a little bit grateful Madge was taking this over for me. I did want to talk to him again, and there was no way I’d be able to ask him myself at that moment.

 

He looked at me, still waiting for my permission. I smiled and gave him a little nod, and he pulled out an orange highlighter from his back pocket and wrote his name and number in clear handwriting in the white space above my hip. When his fingers brushed lightly against the bit of skin that was exposed between the bottom of the shirt and my jeans, I felt a tingling feeling rush through me. How could just a light touch have that effect on me?

 

By now we were next in line for the bathroom. Madge squeezed my arm as Peeta smiled at us before walking down the stairs with a bashful “See you later” over his shoulder. At that moment the door opened and Madge pulled me in the bathroom with her. I found it awkward to be in the room with her like that, so I averted my eyes by pulling out my phone from my pocket and entering the number Peeta had just written into my contacts. Maybe it was the liquor, but for some reason I added a little yellow flower emoji next to his name. I must’ve been smiling to myself because I heard Madge laugh as I looked up to see her washing her hands in the sink with a knowing smirk on her face. She dried off her hands before poking me in the side “You _like_ him,” she teased.

 

“Shut up,” I grumbled, but I still couldn’t pull the smile off of my face. I realized my next class with Peeta was on Friday morning and suddenly I couldn’t wait. _What?_ Was I actually excited to go to my public speaking class? What was this boy doing to me?

 

Madge and I danced a little more downstairs before we left and walked back home, once again arm-in-arm. We laughed as we passed other people on streets – drunkenly singing or otherwise making fools of themselves – until we cross the road to our apartment complex hidden in the trees. We turned on the tv to watch some late-night 90’s sitcom reruns and shoveled down the rest of the kettle corn I’d made the night before. Around 2 am, we were both yawning and falling asleep, so I got up and washed my face before I shed my white shirt over my desk chair. I put on a pair of pajamas, curled up in bed and opened up my phone.

 

I paused. I had subconsciously opened up a new message addressed to Peeta. _What should I say?_ I cursed myself for acting so silly, and finally typed out _Hey, this is Katniss_. I stared at it and, in some kind of sudden aneurism, added a smiley face then pressed send before I could overthink it. As soon as I closed my eyes, I started falling into a deep sleep, filled with dreams of yellow dandelions and chocolate pastries and a certain pair of blue eyes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I woke up the next morning around 10am, surprised that I didn’t feel very hungover. I guess we hadn’t gotten _too_ intoxicated the night before, and we drank plenty of water when we got back. Madge also said she had a theory that chasing with Gatorade help prevent hangovers because they helped to keep us hydrated. I was thinking there might be some truth to that.

 

I went into the kitchen and got myself a bowl of cereal and sat down on the couch to watch some tv before going to my lab at 12:30. After a few minutes, Madge emerged from her bedroom as well. She had a nasty case of bedhead that made me snort before I could stop myself. She gave me a look before going into the bathroom, and when she came out she had combed her hair an tied it back in a braid.

 

“So, last night was fun,” she gave me a sly smile as she settled next to me on the couch. She lifted an eyebrow at me, expecting some kind of details – as if Peeta had snuck in after she fell asleep or something.

 

“Yeah it was. I’m glad we did that, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” I replied.

 

“Oh come on, just admit you loved running into Peeta again,” she pushed me gently and yet again, I blushed.

 

“So did you text him?” she continued to interrogate me.

 

“Yeah, before I went to bed. I haven’t looked at my phone since then, though,” I said.

 

She stood up. “Well? What are you waiting for?” When I just looked at her, showing no indication that I was going to get up, she huffed and went into my bedroom to grab it herself (as I knew she would). She came back and had decided to open it and see for herself. She gave me a stupid grin as she said, “Awe. ‘ _Hey! I’m so glad I ran into you tonight! Did you have fun?_ ”

 

I snatched it away from her to see for myself. He had said that. He had also sent two more messages after that one, both from this morning. The first was from 7am ( _how was he awake so early after a night out_?) and it read ‘ _hey again! I just wanted to invite you to another party tonight, same address. My brother’s best friend from high school lives in that house.’_

Madge was watching me. “What?” I asked, a little annoyed at the lack of privacy.

 

“What did he say??” she sounded too excited for my liking.

 

“Um, he just said they’re having another party at the same place tonight,” I responded, looking down to read the most recent message. But before I could, Madge put her hand over the phone, trying to grab it off of me to respond before I could say no.

 

“Hey!” I tried to snatch it back as she got up and held it away from me and started typing. “What are you saying? I’m capable of texting him myself, you know.”

 

She looked up at me. “I’m helping you out with blondie here. Don’t even think about telling me you’re not gonna go. I already responded that you’d be there. Oh, by the way, he also invited us to come early and pregame with him there before the party starts.” That must’ve been what the last message said.

 

“Madge! I have class at 9am tomorrow!” I snapped at her.

 

She just rolled her eyes. “It’s _sylly_ week, Katniss. Live it up. Please. And you’re already ahead in literally all of your classes, even if you sleep in, you’ll be fine.”

 

She was right about that, but I still didn’t want to skip class my first week of college. She could see that I was unconvinced, and handed the phone back to me. “Just don’t drink that much if you’re so worried about it. But you _are_ going. That boy is way too beautiful for you to ignore him in your typical _I hate people_ strategy. And I know you think so too, even if you’re too stubborn to admit it.”

 

I was already bad with words, and I knew after she said that that I’d been defeated. I wasn’t too upset though; she was right, I did want to see him again. Something about him made me feel at ease. He didn’t pester me to “smile more” or “just take the compliment, jeez” like many other guys did when they tried to talk to me.

 

“Alright, fine, we’ll go. But no more of you texting him from my phone. Get his number yourself if you want to conspire against me.” I told her. She smiled and jumped a little before sitting back down to finish her breakfast.

 

I found that my lab was in the same building as the lecture for my Soils class, only down in the basement. It wasn’t too long, and I was glad I’d gotten into the afternoon section instead of the morning one; I was starting to feel a little hungover as I stood at the lab bench. In my group of four, there was a girl named Jeralynn who had huge, old-style glasses that made her eyes look magnified. I was starting to get annoyed with her as she seemed to be _trying_ to make us take forever to finish the lab, asking dumb questions to the TA’s every 5 seconds. Of the other two was a quiet, brown haired girl named Annie, who had the most striking green eyes I’d ever seen. I decided quickly that I liked her too. She was someone who did a comfortable amount of talking, and I thought maybe I could become friends with her as the semester went on. The third kid was a boy wearing flannel under overalls, _overalls_ , with some kind of hipster beard and brown boots with dried mud on them. Madge told me that there would be a lot of farmer kids like that in the AgSci college. He seemed nice though, and liked to do a lot of the math for us on his massive, fancy calculator. The lab today was pretty easy, just identifying the basic types of soil and describing their textures and stuff. At the end, we stopped with about a half hour left to review the answers with the class. I was glad for the easy day; we had to turn our papers in on the way out and were pretty much guaranteed an A on the assignment.

 

            When I walked out of the building, I was met with an afternoon that was sunny yet colder than it had been; fall was coming. I was looking forward to the cooler temperatures; this winter would be nothing compared to what it was like in Minnesota.   Annie walked with me to the nearest bus stop and we chatted a little. She was in the same major as me and was a sophomore; she gave me some advice about our advisors and the classes I was taking that she’d already passed. It was nice to have someone to help me out with the academic side of things.

 

We traded phone numbers before Annie’s bus pooled up and she waved goodbye to me. As the shuttle to our apartment complex pulled up, I was feeling pretty… happy. After the horror of my public speaking class, I was anxious about how the rest of my week would go, but the past two days had been, strangely, pretty good.

 

The lab was my only class on Thursdays, and when I got home around 4:30, I passed out on my bed after I kicked off my shoes. I woke up a few hours later and was surprised to see it was after 7. I picked up my phone to see there were several unread texts from Prim, asking how my week was going, if the classes were hard yet, and, of course, if I’d met any cute boys.

 

I didn’t want to answer the last question yet and just gave her a vague “good” to her other questions. Prim was just as bad as Madge with pestering me about this stuff. I felt like if I did I might jinx it or something, and I had butterflies as I hopped in the shower to get ready for the night. I wasn’t used to this kind of feeling – nervous over a _boy_ , of all things.

 

When I came back into my room, Madge was standing in front of my closet. I stopped and stared at her.

 

“Um… what are you doing?” I questioned.

 

She turned and smiled quickly before looking back at the meager selection I had. “Oh Katniss, you didn’t think I was going to let you go out with a boy wearing a sweatshirt and chucks, did you?”

 

I groaned. Great. Now Madge was going to play dress up with me against my will. “I doubt he’ll really care what I’m wearing, he’s obviously got impaired vision, anyways, if he really thinks I’m beautiful.” I quickly covered my mouth. _Oh no._

 

Madge squealed, “He called you beautiful? When? What did you say back?”

 

I sat down on the bed. I’d given myself up. “Um… earlier today. He asked if I’d sing at all tonight, and when I said absolutely not, he said ‘that’s probably best, if the other guys hear such a beautiful voice coming out of an even more beautiful face, I might have some competition on my hands.’” I made a face as I repeated it, it sounded so cheesy to me, but Madge just squealed again.

 

“Awe, he’s _so_ into you!” then she looked mischievous. “Do we need to have a talk about what happens when a boy and a girl like each other? I did buy some condoms, they’re in the linen closet if-“

 

“Madge! I just met him a few days ago!” I snapped as my face turned about the color of merlot.

 

She just chuckled and shrugged, “Hey, it’s college, people do stuff like that. It’s no big deal.”

 

“Well, it’s a big deal to me. Trust me, that is _not_ going to happen tonight.” I declared.

 

She smirked again. “Not tonight, eh? So you admit that it’ll happen in the future?”

 

“No!” I shouted. “I mean, maybe… I mean, I don’t know! It’s none of your business. I barely know him yet.”

 

She giggled more, “ _’yet’”_ she quoted. Ugh. She caught me in a web with every word.

 

I sighed, clearly irritated, and walked over to the dresser to brush my hair. Madge pulled out one of my nicer shirts – dark blue with different colored flowers, and sleeveless – and the nicest pair of jeans I owned. After a small argument, she gave in and let me wear my converse.

 

I sat at my desk chair and started to braid my hair in one of the more elaborate fashions I knew how to do, when I stopped and watched her digging around a bag she’d dropped on the dresser.

 

“Um, what’s that?” I asked, though I thought I already knew.

 

“Katniss,” she was getting a little exasperated. “Please just let me put a _tiny bit_ of makeup on you.” I started to protest but she cut me off. “Please! Just a little. Just some mascara and lip gloss.” I sighed and nodded. That was manageable.

 

After Madge emerged from her room in a similar white blouse with her hair in a ponytail, I started to pull out the shot glasses again.

 

“What are you doing?!” she stopped me.

 

“Um… I thought I shouldn’t ‘show up sober’ or something? You know, with my abysmal social skills.” I said slowly.

 

She groaned at me. She seemed to be doing that a lot tonight. “He invited us to pregame with him, Katniss. We’ll be doing that when we get there; you always take the free liquor when you can.”

 

I sighed. Surprisingly, I was kind of hoping to take a few before we left; I was starting to feel pretty nervous. Madge must have noticed, because she said, “Fine, we can take _two_ before we go. But no more than that.”

 

As we lifted our glasses to clink together, Madge decided to toast. “To Katniss, and the hot piece of man-candy she _better_ be nice to tonight.” I rolled my eyes and we threw it back in unison. We repeated this once more before Madge practically dragged me out the door and down the sidewalk.

 

“So? Aren’t you going to text him?” she looked at me, our arms criss-crossed.

 

“Um… why? Aren’t we going to see him in a few minutes?” I was confused.

 

There was that exasperated expression again (it must’ve been the 15th time in the past two hours). “Tell him we’re on our way. He’ll probably be waiting at the door like an excited puppy.”

 

I sighed and obeyed. We decided tonight not to take the shuttle; the walk wasn’t as far as we thought it would be, and the experience last night had made me want to avoid it at all costs.

 

When we walked up onto the porch, the door opened before I got out a second knock, but it wasn’t Peeta standing there. I was met with a tall, tan boy with golden hair and sea green eyes, and quite possibly the most perfectly crafted body I’d ever seen.

 

“Ahh, you must be Katniss,” he said. “I’m Finnick,” he flashed us a stunning smile before he opened the door further to let us in. “Peeta’s been giddy all day because of you. Come on, he’s upstairs.”

 

Madge wiggled her eyesbrows at me and I shook my head as we made our way upstairs. We went into the room we’d seen Peeta come out of the night before, and there were a couple other people already in there. Peeta was sitting on one of the beds, talking to a guy who must’ve been near 7 feet tall, with ebony skin and perfectly defined muscles. When he smiled, his ivory colored teeth were a direct contrast from his dark skin, and I couldn’t help but notice it was beautiful.

 

“Look who’s here, Peeta,” Finnick announced with a grin. Peeta looked up and I had to make an effort not to lose my composure. How was it that his eyes seemed bluer every time I looked into them?

 

Madge gave me a shove towards him and I walked over and sat on the bed next to him, mumbling a shy “Hello.” I finally looked up around the room and saw another familiar face – Annie! She smiled widely at me and moved over to sit on the other side of me.

 

“Hey! I didn’t know you knew Peeta. What a small world,” she greeted me.

 

“Um, yeah, I met him a few days ago…” I blushed and looked down at my lap.

 

“Awe, well he’s a good boy. I’m dating Finnick – that’s Mr. Male Model over there,” she indicated the boy who had answered the door, though I already knew his name.

 

The dark-skinned boy stood up and walked over to a small table that had tequila and a handle of peach vodka sitting on it. “Alright kids, how about some shots?” He produced a small bag of limes and a saltshaker – clearly we were going to do this tequila thing the right way – and pulled out a ski. _A ski?_ Then I noticed there were several shot glasses glued to the ski – I guess we would all take them at the same time?

 

“Have you ever done a shot-ski before?” I looked and found Peeta standing very close to me.

 

“Um… no,” I blushed. “But you’d think I would have, being from Minnesota and all.” That made him laugh, and my stomach started doing that flutter thing again.

 

“Well, it’s a lot of fun. Though you can get carried away with it pretty easily. Especially with tequila,” he said.

 

I must looked a little scared then, because he quickly added, “Don’t worry, I won’t let Finn or Thresh pressure you too much.” I nodded as Madge handed me a lime. She looked at me expectantly and I just stared back, confused.

 

“Stick out your hand,” she ordered. Slowly I lifted my left hand, and she flipped it over, palm-down. She started pouring salt on it. “You’re supposed to lick it off,” she explained.

 

“Salt, shot, lime,” Finnick said. I nodded and Peeta indicated my place on the shot-ski. Finnick was standing next to me and shouted “One – Two – Three!” and then we lifted the ski. I was a little hesitant so I almost didn’t keep up, but I licked the salt off just in time to catch the tequila in my mouth as they tipped it towards us. Its taste was strong but I immediately put the lime to my mouth before the taste could overwhelm me. I smiled at Peeta and saw Madge grinning at us over his shoulder. This was going to be an interesting night.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

About an hour and several tequila shots later, Peeta and I were standing in the kitchen. And I was definitely feeling those shots.

 

Peeta was laughing at me, but for the moment, I didn’t care. The house apparently didn’t have air conditioning, and since people arrived it had only gotten hotter, despite the cooler night.

 

I was leaning over with my face in their fridge. No, I wasn’t looking for a snack. If I were any amount of sober, I would be kicking myself; but as it was, drunk me was “too damn hot” and innovatively decided to cool off by sticking my face in the fridge. I was probably going to hate myself in the morning for embarrassing myself like this, especially in front of Peeta, but I guess all I can say is it was _really_ hot in the house.

 

I heard Madge’s voice in the other room, and for some reason that snapped me out of it. I stood up and shut the fridge, looking over at Peeta sheepishly.

 

“You’re funny,” he laughed. “I kinda wish I’d thought of that myself.” He opened the freezer and pulled out a couple popsicles, handing me one. I took a bite and my eyes flew open again as I realized I was moaning from the relief. _What the hell are you doing, Katniss? Acting like some crazy sorority girl…_ Peeta snorted a laugh again as he was eating his own popsicle. Thank God I was smashed right now; I would’ve felt so awkward otherwise.

 

I finished my popsicle and tossed the stick in the garbage. “Feeling better now?” Peeta asked with a smile. I nodded shyly before Madge and some of the others finally came into the kitchen.

 

She looked back and forth between us before walking over to me and whispering, “so, why do you both look so flushed and embarrassed, hmm?” I shoved her lightly and left the room to find Annie sitting on the couch in the living room. She smiled at me as I stumbled over and plopped down next to her.

 

“So? How’s it going? Madge told me all about your little crush,” she teased.

 

I groaned and mumbled “I’m going to kill her in her sleep,” and Annie laughed at me.

 

“Awe, I think it’s cute. And I’d love to have someone to go on double dates with besides Johanna and her creep of the week,” she said. I was about to ask who Johanna was before Finnick marched back into the room with Peeta in tow.

 

He pointed at Annie and me. “Get up, we’re playing a game,” he said. I vaguely registered the thought that I probably didn’t need to drink more, but at this point I’d already broken most of my rules.

“Girls against guys, flip cup,” he announced. I’d seen people play the game before, but never actually played myself. Luckily, Madge was at my side in seconds explaining it to me. I guess you had to down what was in your cup before setting it on the edge of the table and flip it over until it landed on the other end. As soon as you did that, the next person on your team did so, and so on down the line. Whichever team finished first won.

 

Winning didn’t mean much – nobody really won anything and we all had to drink. The only thing about losing was listing to Finnick shout and get way too excited about his victory.

 

We only played a few rounds and, thankfully, only filled the cups a little with beer, so as not to put most of us on the floor by the end of round two. Peeta walked over to me as I leaned back against the wall, trying to calm the dizziness I was feeling.

 

“You okay?” he asked. “You’re a small girl, you should probably stop…” he sounded nervous, like he was afraid to tell me what to do, but he was definitely right.

 

I nodded. “Yeah” I said, opening my eyes briefly before closing them again. “Ugh. I have a 9am tomorrow, I don’t know how I’m going to make it.”

 

He laughed, “so do I,” and I remember that my 9am class was public speaking, with him.

 

“How do you do this all the time?” I asked, starting to sink down to the floor before Peeta put an arm around me and held me up.

 

“Um, you probably don’t want to sit on these floors…” he said. _Oh, right. I’m in a house full of college boys who probably don’t know how to operate a vacuum cleaner._ “We can go upstairs… um, I mean, if you want,” he continued. I nodded again and he led me upstairs to the room we were in before. I plopped down on one of the beds, immediately sighing into the pillow.

 

“I’m sorry, I don’t usually get like this,” I apologized.

 

He sat down on the edge of the bed. “It’s alright, it is your first week of college. Trust me, almost everyone in this house is in a much worst state than you are right now on a weekly basis.” I couldn’t tell if he was really trying to reassure me or just being polite to the drunk girl inviting herself into whosever bed this was.

 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence (well, as close as you could get to silence with a party raging downstairs), I sat up and stretched. Peeta was still sitting there with a small smile on his face before there was a vibration and he pulled his phone out of his pocket and chuckling.

 

“Another cute girl send you a snapchat?” I asked him. I don’t know why I seemed to have no filter tonight.

 

He looked up. “Um, no… just my brother being an ass,” he said.

 

“Oh… sorry, it’s just, you seem pretty likeable,” I said, scooting over to sit next to him.

 

He blushed again and looked at me, “I’m ‘likeable’ huh? Wow, what a compliment. Kind of makes me feel like a teddy bear or a kitten.”

 

“That’s not what I meant! It’s just, uh, you’re comfortable to be around… I don’t know,” my words were really failing and I was probably talking slower than usual.

 

He was still smiling at me. “Wish I could say the same about you. To be honest, when I first ran into you, I thought you were going to hit me or something.”

 

“What?! Why?” I couldn’t be that scary… It’s not like I walked around with a scowl on my face. Or did I?

 

He chuckled, “it’s just, you had this look on your face like ‘ _why is this guy talking to me’_ and I guess I’m just not used to that response.”

 

“Oh,” I said. “Um, don’t take it personally. Madge says I have the social skills of a sloth.” I had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but it made him laugh anyway.

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear I was wrong,” he said softly. “How are you feeling now? Do you want to go back downstairs?” Was he nervous to be alone with me?

 

“Um… yeah,” I said. As I stood up I suddenly realized how tired I was. “Actually,” I said and he turned around, “do you think I… I should probably, um, head home…”

 

He seemed to understand and took a step closer to me. “Okay, do you want me to walk with you?”

 

“I can take care of-“ I stopped myself. He was just trying to be kind… and having him a little longer didn’t sound too bad. “I mean, um, yeah, that would be nice.”

 

He smiled and we went downstairs. I found Madge sitting on the arm of the couch talking with Annie. “Hey, um, I’m gonna head home now, if that’s okay with you,” I told her.

 

She smirked, “Not by yourself, I hope?”

 

“No, no, uh, Peeta’s walking with me,” I said without meeting her eyes.

I could still feel her smirk on me. “Alright, I’ll just walk with Annie in a little while. You two, be safe.” I thought I saw her wink at Peeta, but I wasn’t in the best mindset to differentiate between real and imagination at that moment.

 

As we starting walking down the sidewalk, I stumbled and surprised myself when I caught my balance and grabbed Peeta’s hand. He didn’t seem to mind, though, and I told myself I was doing it just to keep myself from face planting. We walked in a comfortable silence until I felt Peeta start swinging our hands back and forth a little. I looked over at him and realized he was pretty tipsy too, but holding it together much better than I was. He seemed to notice me looking at him and mumbled an apology and a giggle before he stopped the swinging. He had nothing to apologize for.

 

“So, um…” he started. “How are your classes going so far?”

 

I was surprised that he wanted to talk about something like that right now. “Oh, uh, they’re fine. I just, um, really wish we weren’t required to take that stupid CAS 100…”

 

He laughed again. “You’ll make it through. You at least one friend in the class with you,” he smiled a crooked little smile that made me feel warm.

 

“Yeah, I guess I do,” I sighed. As we continued walking, Peeta told me about his classes. He had a freshman English professor whose name was Dr. Abernathy, and apparently came into class each day with bloodshot eyes and a ‘not a single fuck given’ (actual quote by himself) attitude. This made me laugh, and we joked about how a guy like that ended up with this job.

 

“Where did you say you were from again,” I asked as we were turning onto the street where my apartment was.

 

“Uh, it’s this little town about two and a half hours from here. I’m kind of the outcast of my family… they’re all West Virginia fans,” he said. I guessed that must be some kind of rival school to ours.

 

“Ahh,” I nodded, “a house divided.”

 

He snorted but his smiled dropped a bit as he mumbled, “tell me about it.”

 

“What do you mean?” I asked. He looked up like he didn’t know he’d said that out loud.

 

“Oh, um… it’s just my mom,” he sighed. I waited for him to continue, and he shook his head. “See, my dad’s like this genuine kind and caring man, but my mom… I probably shouldn’t say this, but she just might be the devil’s long lost sister.”

 

“Oh,” was all I could think to say. I didn’t doubt him, though. If a boy as warm and kind as him was saying it, it was probably true.

 

“I’m sorry, she’s just so _cruel._ I can’t remember a single time in my life where she said she loved me, or said anything nice about me really. She’s like that with my brother, Rye, too. I don’t know how my dad ended up with her. Or why he’s still with her,” he sounded a little angry, but took a deep breath and stopped himself. This was obviously an argument they’d had several times before. “I’m sorry. At least I’m away from her here.”

 

“It’s okay,” I said. I wasn’t exactly good at comforting people. “Sometimes parents suck.” Nice. That was all I could come up with.

 

He laughed softly, though. “Yeah, they do. Are we getting close to your place?”

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, we’re um, the very last one on the left,” I said. As we walked by there were a few guys sitting out on their balconies, smoking weed. Peeta commented on it and I said, “Yeah, I don’t know. Those guys have been out there doing that every day this week. I don’t know when they even go to class. Yesterday they were out there at, like, 8 in the morning lighting up.”

 

“Yeah, Finn said these apartments were kind of known for that,” he said.

 

“Where do you live?” I asked.

 

“Oh, um, in the dorms. In North,” he said. That was a long way from where we were now.

 

“Are you okay to walk that far this late at night, all alone?” I asked. It didn’t sound too appealing.

 

“Oh yeah, it’s fine. I just take the white loop up, it’s not much walking,” he said. We came up to mine and Madge’s door and I had to finally let go of his hand. I fished the key out of my pocket before turning to him, unsure of what I was supposed to do.

 

“Um, well, thank you for walking me back. I had fun tonight,” I said, looking down at my shoes and fiddling with the keychain.

 

He inhaled deeply and sighed. “Yeah, me too. Um, maybe I’ll see you tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, maybe,” I smiled, and with a sudden burst of completely un-Katniss-like confidence, I stood up on my toes and kissed his cheek before quickly turning around and sliding in through the door. I said a quiet “bye” over my shoulder and saw him still standing there, his eyes half closed.

 

“Goodbye, Katniss,” I heard him say as I shut the door and grabbed myself a water bottle before heading to bed. My head was still spinning when I finally laid down, but I couldn’t tell how much of it was from the alcohol and how much was from the look in Peeta’s eyes right before I shut the door. Yep, his eyes definitely got bluer every time I looked at them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [original notes]
> 
> Hey! So, we’re still kind of in the opening stages of this story. There’s just a lot that has to develop before I can get into the main conflict of it all. So expect at least a few more chapters of getting to know Peeta and adjusting to college life. The real issue begins around Halloween, but that’s all I’ll say. 
> 
> If you have any suggestions or feedback, I’d love to hear it! I have no idea how I’m doing so far with this – I’m pretty new to writing fanfiction, so everything helps.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I walked into class Friday morning with a smile on my face.

 

No, I’m totally lying. But I did wake up around 8 feeling a minimal hangover. I only had a faint headache, but I had a feeling it would probably catch up with me later in the day. As long as it held off until after lunch, that was fine by me.

 

I popped a couple ibuprofen in my mouth after I’d quickly eaten some peanut butter toast. I made it to the stupid public speaking class just in time, a few minutes before class was supposed to start.

 

I was not smiling, though, because as soon as I walked in the door, I saw that the professor had decided to start early. At least I wasn’t the last person to walk in, but what the hell? It was like he _wanted_ us to hate him.

 

“Take a seat _quietly_ please,” he said before mumbling something about disrupting the class. At this hour, my patience was running very thin with this guy. I had to tell myself to ignore it or I might snap at him. For some reason, when it came to authority figures acting like jerks, I had trouble keeping my mouth _shut_.

 

Thankfully, my seat in the back was still open and I sat down with a huff. I looked up to see Peeta looking over at me with a sympathetic smile, and it made me scowl a little less.

 

After class was over, Peeta stood up and waited for me to pack up. He said his next class wasn’t until two, so he had some free time. Mine was at one, so when he asked if I wanted to join him at some place called the Diner, I said yes. I thought about texting Madge to let her know I’d be having brunch so I wouldn’t be joining her for lunch today, but I didn’t want her to pester me about _who_ I was having brunch with. I decided I’d tell her afterwards, and then she probably wouldn’t be mad at me for skipping out on her.

 

Our walk took us passed Old Main, and since I was in no hurry, I took some time to look around. There was a big open grass area in front of the building that was ‘Old Main.’ It was an old building that I guess must’ve been where the university first started, though I didn’t know what was in there now. Around the grass were lots of trees, pretty tall ones actually – they must be pretty old. We were coming passed the side of the building and I saw a very tall, strange looking willow tree. It was beautiful. After a few moments I realized I was scouting out the selection for the best climbing tree, and saw Peeta looking at me with a smile.

 

“I love this area, too. It’s beautiful, there’s so much rich green this time of year,” he said.

 

“Yeah, green’s my favorite color,” I said, watching as someone ahead of us dropped a granola bar and before they could pick it up, a squirrel snatched it.

 

“Have you seen the squirrel whisperer yet?” Peeta asked.

 

“Umm… the what?” I said.

 

He laughed, “Apparently there’s this girl they call the ‘squirrel whisperer’ who goes around making friends with them and she makes these little outfits for them. She’s got a Facebook page where she posts the pictures.”

 

“Um… no. I’ve never seen her, or anyone playing dress up with squirrels,” the east coast was weird.

 

We walked into the Diner and sat in an empty booth. As we waited for a server Peeta pulled out his phone to show me some of the “squirrel whisperer” photos. They seemed to be themed. The most recent one was a squirrel dressed with a little hate and backpack, like he was going to school. There were others like one for the 4th of July where she made him this tiny American flag shirt. It was so absurd I couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“How does she get them into these outfits? Squirrels are usually skiddish… at least where I come from. How does she even catch them?” I asked.

 

Peeta was laughing too, “I don’t know, I guess that’s why they call her the ‘squirrel whisperer’.” Just then a guy who looked not much older than ourselves walked over to bring us menus and take drink orders. When he left, Peeta explained to me that the famous thing here was a “grilled sticky,” which appeared to be some kind of twisted honey bun thing. It looked weird, but he promised they were good. When the waiter came back, I asked for one with a scoop of ice cream on top, and Peeta ordered the same.

 

They were good. We finished them pretty quickly, and when we walked up to the front to pay, I stopped Peeta as he was pulling out his wallet.

 

“I can pay for myself,” I said sternly.

 

“It’s no big deal, it’s only a few dollars,” he shrugged, but I stopped him again.

 

“I can still pay for it myself,” I said again. He looked like he was about to protest when the cashier spoke up.

 

“Um, the check isn’t separated, so…” he said. _So I’m going to have to let him pay, is what you’re saying._ I rolled my eyes and backed down. I didn’t like taking charity, even if it was less than three dollars.

 

I was a little annoyed as we walked out, so I mumbled an excuse to Peeta that I was starting to get a headache and wanted to go back to my apartment to lay down a bit. He had a look on his face like he was disappointed, or maybe it was apologetic? I tried not to think about it as I hopped on the bus back to my street.

 

When I was on my way to my last class of the week a couple hours later, I looked at my phone to see several messages from Madge asking where I was. I figured I owed her an explanation, so I told her I’d already eaten with Peeta. When I put my phone back in my pocket, I felt it vibrate again and I knew she was asking for details, but I decided to use class as an excuse to ignore it.

 

Later that evening, I was sitting on the couch doing some reading for the week ahead, when Madge walked in, grinning at her phone.

 

“What’s so funny?” I asked.

 

She looked up. “Oh, uh, it’s nothing. Just talking to your boy,” she said.

 

“My what?” I snapped back. When I told her to get his number I wasn’t being completely serious.

 

She sighed as she sat down on the other end of the couch and put her feet up over the book in my lap. “You know, Peeta. That boy whose name you’ve been saying in your sleep,” she teased.

 

I pushed her feet off of me. “I have not!” I said. “Were you sneaking into my room in the middle of the night? You creep.”

 

She laughed. “No, no, I’m just messing with you, relax. Although, I bet if I did I would discover that you do.”

 

I didn’t feel like bickering with her at the moment. “Just shut up. We only met a few days ago, stop trying to push everything.”

 

She got serious. “I know Katniss, I’m just teasing. I’m not actually trying to make you uncomfortable.”

 

I closed the book. “I know,” I sighed. “It’s just… I, um… he… it makes me nervous!” I leaned my head back. “I mean, I’m not used to this stuff. I just don’t want you to scare him off by being so forward like that behind my back.”

 

She scooted closer to me. “Katniss, I promise I’m not doing anything to embarrass you. We were honestly just talking about our classes, and some memories from high school. He really is a nice boy.”

 

“I know that,” I spat.

“Then why are you being so grumpy about this?” she asked calmly.

 

“I don’t know!” I glared at her, but then my gaze fell. “This place is so different… I just, the other people here… I don’t think they have a clue what it’s like where I come from. What would Peeta thinking if he found out my dad died in a _bar fight_? That half of my cousins are either alcoholics or addicted to drugs, and can’t afford rehab? The kind of poverty that’s surrounded me my whole life?”

 

She nodded, looking down. She was quiet for a few minutes before she spoke again. “Katniss, I know I’ll never understand what it’s like for you or your people. I’m not going to pretend that I do, but I am here for you. And I will remind you any time you need it that you are so much stronger than all of those bad things. And nothing anyone says changes that. I really think Peeta would understand. Even though he’s from a place like this, his home life isn’t the greatest either. I’m not saying it’s comparable to yours, but… It’s all relative, I guess. I think you’ll find if you open up to him – only when you’re ready to, and I’m not saying it has to be soon – you’ll find… an ally.”

 

I looked at her for a few moments. She really meant all of that. I felt kind of stupid for being so embarrassed of it all. This was why she was my best friend; whenever my thoughts got dark and I bottled them up inside, she knew how to ease the pressure. If she thought Peeta could be a similar reminder of hope for me… I guess I should give him a chance.

 

“How about we stay in tonight? Just hang out, watch some movies and stuff?” she suggested. I nodded and grabbed a blanket to curl up on the couch.

 

The next morning, I woke up in a much better mood. Even though we’d spent the night in, I spent a good bit of the evening texting Peeta and not really paying attention to what we were watching. Madge didn’t say anything though, and I was thankful she was giving me space.

 

That day we spent alternating between homework, napping, snacking, and watching tv. By the evening, I was somehow feeling exhausted, even though I’d hardly moved from my spot on the couch. Madge emerged from another nap in her room and sat down next to me to watch yet another episode of _The Big Bang Theory_. We both sat like that for a while, when Madge finally sat up and stretched.

 

“So, if you’re up for it, they’re having a smaller get together tonight. Card games and just hanging out, that kind of stuff,” she said.

 

“Who is?” I finally looked up.

 

“Peeta,” she said, like it was obvious. “His friends, you know, Finnick and them. We’re invited if you wanna go. It should be a relaxing evening.”

 

I could tell she really wanted me to go, and it didn’t sound so bad. “Okay. But I’m not in the mood to let you dress me up again,” I said.

 

She laughed softly, “No, not tonight.”

 

And it did turn out to be relaxing, and kind of fun. We played poker for a little while; Finnick was a bit of a chatterbox, and the other boys joined in when they could. Annie made a few comments whenever Finnick’s competitiveness was getting a little out of control, but other than that, there wasn’t much commotion. Until Finnick was in the middle of an impression of some professor he didn’t get along with, and the front door swung open, cutting him off.

 

A girl with dark, short hair walked in looking pissed off. “Johanna, how’d it go with what’s his name? Derek from Domino’s or something?” Finnick said.

 

The girl, who must’ve been the infamous Johanna, grumbled. “Fucking waste of time, but hey, at least I got free dinner _and_ free liquor out of it. What are we playing?” she said as she took a seat across from me. Peeta was only my left and Madge on my right. Madge and I exchanged a look as Finnick suggested we start playing a game called Kings.

 

As Thresh passed some beers around, putting a can in the middle for the game, Johanna spoke up again. “So, Peeta, you gonna introduce me to your girlfriend? And her cute friend.” She said looking at Madge. My eyes widened at the suggestion behind her tone, calling Madge cute. Peeta cleared his throat.

 

“Um, this is Katniss, and that’s Madge,” he said, his face turning red.

 

“Ohhh, you’re Katniss?” Johanna hummed. “I hope you’re treating my naïve little brother right.” My eyes widened again as I looked questioningly at Peeta.

 

“She’s not actually my sister,” he said.

 

“Regardless, if I hear you’re not behaving, I will cut you,” she threatened. I must’ve looked a little scared because Annie spoke up then.

 

“She’s kidding, Johanna is all talk,” she said pointedly. Johanna finally broke the scowl and laughed.

 

“You weren’t kidding, Peeta. She is gorgeous,” she said. I blushed as I realized she was talking about me. I glanced over to see Peeta wore a similar expression.

 

Thankfully, Finnick spoke up then. “Okay, can we start playing now please? You can embarrass Peeta some more later.”

 

Johanna mostly left us a lone after that. Later, when Madge and I were going to leave, Peeta waited by the door with an apologetic look on his face.

 

“Um, sorry about Johanna. She’s a little… crazy,” he said.

 

“It’s okay,” I said, trying to make him feel better.

 

“Thanks for coming tonight. I was worried you were upset with me…” he said looking down at his shoes.

 

“Why?” I asked before I remembered the way I’d reacted to him paying at the Diner. “Oh, no, I’m sorry, I’m not mad. I’m just… stubborn, I guess.”

 

That made him laugh. “I can see that,” he said, and I gave him a light shove before Madge walked up and linked her arm through mine.

 

“Bye Peeta,” I said, giving him a genuine smile. He waved goodbye back as we walked out, and before I turned away I saw Johanna standing behind him with a smirk on her face. Apparently she hadn’t forgotten Finnick’s suggestion to embarrass Peeta some more. I felt a little bad for him, and made a mental note to ask him about it in the morning. My thoughts stopped as I realized I was actually concerned about his feelings. How had this boy made his way into my life so easily, and so quickly? It was that thought that kept me occupied the rest of the walk home, and stayed with me until I fell into a much needed, deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few more chapters like this up ahead. I hope you are enjoying this story!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

The second week of classes, I was getting used to my schedule. There was a little more homework, but I kept up with it just fine. After class on Friday, Peeta and I went to the Diner again. I ordered the same thing again, but Peeta got a little more creative.

 

I made sure to get to the cash register first so that I could pay this time. Peeta was on to me and pretty much raced me to it. We were giggling and out of breath when we left, and I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window as we walked by. I did a double take and almost didn’t recognize myself. I look so… _happy_ , at ease. That was different.

 

Peeta bumped his shoulder into mine and brought my attention back to him. I saw similar emotions in his eyes… That was even more different.

 

We were standing at a crosswalk waiting for the light to change and Peeta pulled out his phone. As he looked down at it I found myself staring. His blond eyelashes were so long… how didn’t they get tangled every time he blinked?

 

He looked up and my gazed dropped as I blushed. I’d been caught. “Guess what,” he said. I looked at him expectantly. “My two o’clock class is canceled,” he grinned.

 

I playfully elbowed him. “You suck,” I grumbled and he laughed. His weekend was already begun, then. The light changed and I was about to cross the street when his arm stopped me and I looked up at him again.

 

“Wanna hang out a little longer?” he asked, looking a little shy. His gaze had locked with mine again and I couldn’t find it in me to pull away. It was only a little after 11… I had time before my next class, but I’d kind of been hoping to spend it taking a nap.

 

“Okay,” I finally said. His smile was reward enough. “Um, what did you want to do?” I asked.

 

“Well, we could go hang out in my room, if you want,” he looked nervous. “I mean, it’s on campus, so it’s not a far trip.” He thought he had to make it more appealing for me.

 

“Yeah, sure,” I smiled. We hopped onto the next white loop at the bus stop a block over. I plopped next to him and looked out the window as the campus went by. When we came to another stop I caught him staring at me.

 

“What?” I asked self-consciously.

 

He had this stupid, sleepy-looking grin on his face. “Nothing,” he said softly. “Just glad I met you.” I blushed and we sat in silence for a few minutes until he bumped his knee into mine and I did it back. _What am I doing? Is this… flirting?_

North campus was a little less crowded than the rest, at least what I’d seen. Peeta said the dorms here were mostly for the different arts majors – design, music, theater, etc. I guess freshman ended up there sometimes too, and even though it was a little further from everything than the other freshman dorms, it had air conditioning. That seemed worth it to me.

 

We walked inside to a room on the second floor, and Peeta opened the door to a small living room. The dorms here were suite style – his had two bedrooms and a bathroom and a living room in the middle. We turned to the left, which must’ve been his room and he unlocked the door and let us in.

 

“Spacious,” I said. Have I mentioned I have a way with words?

 

“Yeah, my roommate’s some redneck, camo-loving guy. He spends every weekend hunting with his girlfriend back home. He left this morning,” he said as he dropped his backpack on the floor, slid off his shoes and jumped up onto one of the beds in one swift motion.

 

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I used to spend every weekend hunting,” I said defensively. “Well, before I came here.”

 

“Yeah, Madge mentioned something about that to me,” he said as he patted the spot next to him and I joined him.

 

“Yeah, usually with my friend Gale, and my Grandpa before he got too tired to do it every week…” my voice got quieter as I mumbled, “and my dad, before he died.”

 

Peeta’s hand twitched slightly then, as if he were going to move it but then decided not to. He was looking down, but glanced over at me quickly before he said. “I’m sorry to hear that.” He was treading lightly, afraid to upset me.

 

“It’s okay,” I said. “It’s been a while now. I just wish I knew what happened.” What was I doing? Words just floated out before I had time to think about it when I was with him.

 

“What do you mean? You don’t know how he died?” his voice was soft and calming, concerned.

 

I finally lifted my eyes to look at him. “Not really… he used to bartend at this restaurant sometimes… it was mostly a social thing. His old friends from the rez used to hang out there. But one night, he didn’t come home. My mom was freaking out, pacing by the phone the whole next day when he still hadn’t showed. She waited next to it all through the next night. In the morning two days later, the phone finally rang. I knew it was my father, but they were only on the phone for a minute before she frantically ran for the door. We tried to ask her what was happening, but she just brushed us off and left.” I took a deep breath; I could feel tears forming at the corners of my eyes. Peeta waited for me to continue. “She didn’t come back until that night, escorted by some police officers. They told us our father had died in a fight at the bar, he had some kind of head injury that killed him. Then they left.” I felt so empty. A tear must’ve escaped, because I felt a drop fall onto my hand and Peeta reached over and held it in his. I just stared down at our hands for a while before speaking again. “We tried to ask our mother for details; what happened, was the guy who hurt him going to be arrested? I mean, that sounds like murder to me!” I was starting to feel angry all over again. “But she didn’t respond. She wouldn’t respond to anything for weeks. Eventually we just couldn’t sit around grieving anymore; we needed food, we had to pay the bills. And since then we just stopped talking about it, too painful, I guess…” Peeta squeezed my hand and I tried to will myself to stop, shut it off, swallow the feelings. But for some reason, I had trouble doing that around him.

 

After a few more moments of silence, Peeta spoke. “I’m sorry that happened to you Katniss. I know it’s probably really painful to talk about it, but… I think, maybe when you’re ready, you should try to look into it again… That whole situation sounds suspicious to me, I mean. And you and your family deserve justice for whatever actually happened.” I met his eyes; I couldn’t say the thought had never crossed my mind, but I’d never felt like I could actually act on it. The police weren’t exactly trustworthy where I came from… especially if you were a native. There was a lot of messiness involved when a crime somehow involved the rez, because that wasn’t their jurisdiction. I had grown up not relying on a 911 call in case of an emergency.

 

I just nodded; I didn’t know what else to say then. After a little while, Peeta picked up a container out of the fridge that was full of different pastries and offered me one. I tried to give him a smile and he started talking about how he’d come up with the recipe for the chocolate treat I was eating. It involved his brother setting something on fire in the oven, and it made me laugh a little. I was thankful he had cheered me up before I had to go to class so that I wouldn’t walk in with puffy, red eyes. I said a quiet thank you before I let myself out, trying to keep the image of his smile in my mind as I walked.

 

That night, we were invited to another night of cards and hanging out at Finnick’s place, when Madge suggested we have them over at ours. At first I shut down the idea, but Madge convinced me our place was much less disgusting and it wouldn’t make huge mess. For a two-bedroom apartment, we had a pretty big dining room table, and an even bigger living room. I figured it was to try and make up for the fact that our apartments were further off campus.

 

Finnick and Annie arrived first, carrying several six-packs. He said Johanna would bring the rest.

 

“Damn, this whole complex reeks of marijuana,” he announced.

 

I snorted. “Really? We hadn’t noticed,” I said sarcastically. Finnick just gave me a look before settling himself on the couch next to Annie. Madge had some music playing through our stereo and gathered us over to take some shots. We were just downing number three when there was a knock at the door and I went to get it.

 

“Hey Peeta,” I said as I ushered him in. As we walked back to the table, the other three were all grinning at us. I rolled my eyes and we started playing some kind of simple guessing/drinking game for a while until Johanna arrived carrying a box full of mason jars.

 

“Really?” Peeta asked, lifting an eyebrow at her.

 

“You bet your ass, _really_ ,” she said. “This apartment needs a christening.”

 

“With… moonshine?” I asked and she turned to me.

 

“Absolutely, sweetheart,” she grinned. “Maybe this’ll loosen you up enough to help my baby bro blow off some steam.”

 

My face grew hot as I realized what she was suggesting, but Peeta spoke up. “Fuck, Johanna, could you try not to be a pain in the ass for just _one night_?” I was startled at how irritated he sounded. Everyone was looking at him with wide eyes, and he was just looking at the cards in front of him with a blush creeping down to his neck.

 

“Well, apparently there’s more steam than usual. Better drink up, Kat,” Johanna said as she put an open jar in front of me.

 

The mood was lightened by Finnick making a “meow” sound, with Annie lightly slapping his arm as she said, “You’re such a weirdo.”

 

Besides Johanna’s constant innuendos and relentless teasing mostly at Peeta’s expense, she was fun to be around. She had absolutely no filter, no desire to hold her tongue, and I kind of admired it.

 

I realized a little too late that there was really no point to this game – no skill or strategy required – other than to get really drunk. We all guessed wrong frequently, and pretty soon Annie said we should probably play something else. Johanna jumped in with several suggestions that I’d never heard of, and I couldn’t tell whether it was that or the alcohol making Peeta blush, so I decided “no” was a good answer. She didn’t give up though, “we’ll play a drinking game where we watch a porno, and everytime-“

“Stop!” Annie shouted before she could continue. I looked at her gratefully; no matter how that sentence might’ve ended, I knew I wouldn’t like it.

 

Then, we heard what sounded like a group of girls walking by outside, talking really loudly. Johanna stood up to look out the window, “It looks like there’s something going on across the street, wanna check it out? If it sucks, we can just leave.”

 

The general consensus was “Why not?” As I stood up shakily, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder. Johanna.

 

“You’re not going anywhere until you finish that glass. Don’t think I didn’t notice you only taking small sips,” I was trying to at least be a little bit responsible about this – I had no idea how much alcohol was in that moonshine – but I didn’t want to argue with Johanna out of fear that she’d say something else to humiliate me or Peeta. I knew I didn’t have to – like Annie said, Johanna was _‘all talk_ ’ – but for some reason I just did it. I gulped down the rest before I had time to register the taste, and walked to my room to get my key and turn the lights off. I looked in the mirror briefly and that’s when I realized how tipsy I was. Well, I was probably _passed_ tipsy at that point. I stared hard in the mirror and promised myself no more for the rest of the night.

 

The apartments across the street were not as easy a walk as they sounded – they were much higher than our building, there was pretty much a cliff leading up to the building from the street. I groaned as I realized climbing up it was going to be hard while I was in such a state, and didn’t realize Peeta was standing right next to me.

 

I definitely must’ve been _very_ out of it, because suddenly I commanded, “Lean down a little bit.”

 

He looked at me, obviously confused, but I just motioned with my hands for him to crouch down. He did so, and I stood behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders. “Grab my legs,” I said as I jumped up. I wrapped my arms around his neck and saw Madge looking at me with huge smirk.

 

“A piggyback, seriously?” she said with a grin. I knew she found this hilarious, but I didn’t care.

 

“Yes. This is a very serious piggyback,” I said as we (well, everyone except me) started walking up to the apartment where the music was coming from. When we got to the door, we stopped as Madge talked the guy there into letting us in. Peeta didn’t move, and then he said, “Um, I’m happy to keep carrying you around, but my back is kind of sore…”

 

I realized I was still clinging to him and quickly hopped down, still holding his shoulders to gain my balance before I walked ahead of him through the doors. Inside it was dark, humid from all the sweaty bodies, and loud. I didn’t recognize the song that was playing – if you could even really call it a song, it sounded more like one long remix. There were several pong tables set up with just water in the cups, so Peeta and I played a few rounds against Finnick and Johanna before I felt my eyelids getting really heavy. I yawned and was vaguely aware of Johanna telling Peeta he should walk me home and make sure I’m okay. She was probably trying to set us up for something, but I didn’t have the energy to analyze her at that moment.

 

Peeta put his arm around my waist and walked me down the sidewalk a bit to take the steps to the street. When we got back to my door I fumbled with the key, dropping it a couple times before Peeta picked it up and unlocked the door for me. I walked inside and he stood in the doorway like he was unsure whether or not he should come in. I nodded and he followed me as I stumbled to the kitchen, trying to pour myself a glass of water and spilling all over the counter. Peeta wiped it up for me before picking up a glass and following me back to my room. I sat down on the bed as he handed me the glass of water and making sure I drank most of it before setting it down on my nightstand.

 

“Um, I should probably head home now, let you get some sleep…” he started for the door but I reached up and grabbed his arm.

 

He turned back. “Stay with me,” I pleaded quietly as I gently pulled him back towards me. He laid down next to me and I rested my head on his chest before falling under. I heard his voice say something, but I was already too unconscious to make out what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully my fellow Beth and Daryl fans caught my reference. When the idea popped into my head, I couldn’t resist adding that little quote. I hope this is going well, life’s getting a little messy for Katniss soon. Also, I apologize for any grammar mistakes I make. I read through them before I post but since I already know what I wrote I sometimes miss things. Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

When I woke up in the late morning, Peeta was gone. For a moment, I wondered if I’d dreamt the whole thing, but the spot beside me still smelled like him and the glass of water was still on my nightstand.

 

I walked into the kitchen and found Madge making pancakes. A wide smile appeared on her face as she looked up at me.

 

“How did you sleep?” she asked. Before I could formulate a response she started again, “Peeta left about an hour ago. I told him he could stay and wait for you to get up, but I think he felt pretty awkward after an hour passed with no movement from you. You must’ve been _really_ exhausted huh?” My face turned red, and she seemed to think that was my answer. “What did you guys do after you left?” she was getting excited as she poked my side.

 

I struggled to take in everything she’d just said. “Um, we just came back here and I fell asleep. That’s all.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at me, “Seriously?” I nodded. “Ugh, Katniss! You could’ve at least made out a little. You two are hopeless! Neither one of you will make the first move.”

 

I was getting annoyed with her, “Madge, I was literally so hammered I couldn’t even manage to get myself a glass of water without his help. I passed out, like, before my head hit the pillow…” I trailed off. Wait, no, that wasn’t right… I was pretty sure I’d been resting my head on Peeta’s chest.

 

Madge rolled her eyes. “Kat, I know you’re all about this taking things slow and guarded method, but it’s almost painful for the rest of us to watch you two. Please just consider making a move, I think he’d make you really happy.”

 

I didn’t feel like continuing this conversation, so I mumbled a “maybe.” Before walking into the bathroom to take a shower. I was still wearing last night’s clothes, which would’ve been suspicious if I hadn’t slept in my own room. In this instance, it only made it obvious how incoherent I was last night.

 

Afterwards, I ate some of the pancakes Madge had made and settled down in my spot on the couch. We had a three-day weekend for Labor Day, so I didn’t have anything pressing to do for my classes. When I looked at my phone there was a message from Peeta: _Hope you’re feeling better. I’m sorry, Johanna can be a bad influence – you don’t have to listen to her_.

 

So he’d heard her trying to make me finish the moonshine. I told him she didn’t make me; I made that poor decision of my own. We texted back and forth for a while as I had the tv turned on to the daily _Law and Order_ marathon. I drifted off for a little bit, and when I woke it was after 4. When I sat up and stretched, I picked my phone up from the floor where it had fallen, remember that I’d been talking to Peeta before I passed out.

 

 _Would you want to maybe hang out tonight?_ That was the last message from him. The time-stamp was over an hour earlier, and I felt bad that it probably seemed like I was ignoring him.

 

 _Sure, although I’m not really feeling up for much. You can come over if you want_.

 

A little while later, there was a knock at the door, and I moved from my spot on the couch to answer it and let Peeta in. As we were saying our hellos, Madge emerged from her room, curious to see who the visitor was.

 

“Ohh,” she grinned. “Hey, Peeta, what brings you here? Forget something this morning?” Ugh. Today was apparently one of those days where Madge felt like embarrassing me.

 

Peeta’s face got a little red and he scratched the back of his neck. “Uhh, no, I just… came to hang out.”

 

Madge skipped over and leapt onto the armrest. “Oooh, fun! So what’re we gonna do? Order pizza? Watch a movie? Oh! Did you know Katniss makes amazing homemade kettle corn?”

 

It took effort to keep myself from punching her. What was she doing? Wasn’t she just saying that morning how I should “make a move” or something? Why was she trying to third wheel?

 

Peeta’s face grew redder as he sat down next to me, leaving about a foot of space between us. “Um, no, I didn’t know that… and um, whatever you want to do is fine with me.”

 

I took this as an excuse to leave the room and I went to the kitchen to heat up some oil and sugar for the kettle corn. When I came back, Madge was checking out for a pizza delivery on her phone. She had started a movie – _The Help_ – with her laptop plugged into the TV.

 

I took my seat next to Peeta, scooting a little bit closer to him than before. As we watched and waited, the sun was going down and the apartment grew darker. Somehow I was tired again and found myself leaning on Peeta’s shoulder, asleep, when a knock at the door woke me up.

 

Later, after the movie was over, the sun down, and the pizza eaten, Madge got up saying she was meeting up with Annie for yet another party. When she asked if we were going to join, I groaned. Peeta just looked at me, expecting me to decide for us.

“Madge, I’m really not feeling it tonight,” I said.

 

“Okay,” she said, glancing at me for a second. “What about you Peeta?”

 

Our eyes met for a moment before I looked away, a little embarrassed at the tone of Madge’s voice. Peeta seemed to be deciding what was the right answer, when Madge’s “ _make a move_ ” request came to mind again.

 

“You can stay here with me,” I said, looking back down as soon as I saw a smile forming on Madge’s face. “I mean… if you want to.” I tried to hide my embarrassment.

 

He smiled shyly. “Okay, sure,” he said. He was only looking at me now.

 

A little while later, Madge was taking shots in the kitchen before waving to us with a wink and walking out the door. After she left, he and I were left sitting there in an awkward silence. After a few moments of this, Peeta suggested we watch something funny and uplifting. As we scrolled through the computer, he’d asked if I’d ever seen _21 Jump Street_ , feigning shock when I said no.

 

As we watched, I couldn’t help but notice the tension between us. I had no idea what to do about it – well, that’s a lie. I had _some_ idea what to do about it… but there was no way I was taking _that_ risk…

 

But then I did. I leaned over and set a pillow at the end of the couch and Peeta looked at me questioningly. “Lay down,” I said, my voice very quiet. He looked unsure but did so, and I lowered myself on top of him, snuggled my head against his chest. He slowly wrapped his arms around me, and we lay there in a comfortable silence, just being close, as I dozed off. I don’t know how much time had passed when Peeta’s stirring woke me, but the movie was long over. I leaned up on my elbows, confused for a moment.

 

I blinked and realized our faces were inches apart, and Peeta had a sleepy grin on his face. It must’ve been the exhaustion messing with my head that made me lean forward and kiss him.

 

After a few stunned seconds, I felt him sigh and start to kiss me back. It was… completely new to me, and I found that I didn’t want him to stop.

 

But my luck has never been that good. I heard someone shaking the doorknob and snapped up. I had the sense to shuffle back into a sitting position and Peeta sat up against the couch. No more than two seconds later, the door opened, with a giggly, sweaty Madge stumbling through.

 

“Heyyy guys,” she slurred, rather loudly. She plopped down half on my lap, half on the couch next to me and my eyes were wide. She scooted off of me with a slurred apology before she strained her eyes to focus on me.

 

She burst into more giggles. “What?” I finally said.

 

She tried to speak through her laughter. “You have make-out hair,” she finally got out. Instantly my hands reached up to touch my hair, and the braid was a little messy. We hadn’t been _making out_ really, had we?

 

As I tried to come through my hair a bit, Madge tried to stand back up, but fell back down twice before she could keep her balance. “I’ll just l-leave you toooo it then!” she said before stumbling into her room.

 

I finally looked back over at Peeta. His hair was disheveled a bit as well, and he wore an embarrassed expression that I knew must mirror mine. I tried to think of something to break the silence, but as usual came up short.

 

“Um, so…” Peeta finally spoke. “I guess… um, I should probably head home. I mean… if you, um, do you want me to leave?” he stumbled on his words.

 

“No,” I said a little too quickly. “I mean, I’m not kicking you out or anything, but if you’re tired or whatever it’s fine.” That didn’t even come close to what I was trying to say.

 

He nodded and slowly stood, stretching a little as I watched him. He walked to the door to put on his shoes and I stood up to follow him. He turned back to face me and I found I couldn’t meet his eyes.

 

“Um, I’m… sorry about Madge,” I said softly. How many times had I said I was going to kill her? Add one more to that tally.

 

He laughed a little, “It’s okay.” There was that palpable tension again. I was trying to think of what to do next when I felt Peeta’s hand on my shoulder and froze.

 

It was like slow motion but at the same time happening too fast. I held my breath as he leaned down and closed my eyes. But he didn’t kiss me.

 

Well, not on my mouth anyways; he left a gentle, lingering peck on my cheek before saying goodbye, almost in a whisper. I opened my eyes again to watch him leave and stood there for a few moments before going to check on Madge.

 

She was curled up in a heap on her bed, her phone lighting up in her hands, but otherwise looked unconscious.

 

“Madge?” I said, nudging her shoulder softly. Her eyes fluttered open and she struggled to adjust for a few seconds.

 

“Katniss,” she said. “How was your evening? Weren’t… um, where’s P-Peeta?” she drawled.

 

I couldn’t keep the heat from rising to my cheeks, but Madge was too drunk to notice. “He just left,” I said. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. How about I bring you some water?” She nodded sleepily and I got her a glass from the kitchen before returning to rouse her again with a groan. She’d thank me later for this.

 

After I made sure Madge was hydrated and not about to get sick, I walked back to my room and collapsed on my bed only to discover that for the first time all day, I wasn’t really tired. I tried to sort out the feelings rushing through me, but the only conclusion I came to was that I wished I weren’t alone in this bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [original notes from ff dot net]
> 
> Hi! Thanks for all your reviews, they’re very nice! There might be a few more chapters of college life still… the next part of the story involves something that happens when she goes home, so there’s still some time before then for things to develop further. I don’t want to give away what’s coming, but I am worried how it will be received. Most people aren’t aware of the struggles indigenous women face in this country as well as in Canada… but I think it offers a good real world parallel to the type of conflict Katniss faces in the books. 
> 
> Anyways, I’m probably rambling. I really appreciate everyone who’s been reading this story and giving feedback. I’m enjoying writing this! It’s kind of my first real story, so I’m very happy you guys are liking it. 
> 
> PS: I’m sorry this chapter is a little shorter than usual, but it was just the best place to stop.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

After what had happened, I was overwhelmed with the thought of what this could mean about the nature of my friendship with Peeta. The idea of dating was not something I felt ready for, but I had to admit it didn’t repulse me as much as it used to. In fact, when my go-to strategy of cutting him off crossed my mind, I realized I didn’t want to lose this gentle baker.

 

Despite the 3-day weekend, Madge and I chose to stay in on Sunday night. It was still early in the fall so most of our Sunday night TV shows hadn’t started back up again yet, so we decided to watch some old seasons on Netflix. It was a quiet evening; I tried to keep my mind off of Peeta and what the nature of our relationship was now by watching and texting back and forth with Prim. She was sending me an unnecessary amount of picture of our animals, but I found I did kind of miss having them around. Prim would make cheese using the goat, Lady’s, milk and leave some for me for breakfast most days. She filled me in on the local gossip and how Gale’s brother, Rory – who Prim had a not-so-secret crush on – had finally broken up with the yellow-haired girl who moved up from Texas last year. Conversing with Prim did help distract me until it became close to midnight and she said that she was going to bed for real this time. I got one more picture of Buttercup looking like road kill sprawled out on my old bed before she went to sleep. Lovely. I hate that damn cat.

 

On Monday, I decided to try and clear my head by going to park that was just down the street. Actually, there were two parks, but the first was ridiculously tiny, so I started trekking up a steep hill (we had nothing of the sort back home) to what appeared to be a larger one. After zigzagging through the dirt trails a few times, I checked my phone to see I’d been gone almost five hours and decided to head home.

 

When I got there, I was surprised to hear Madge’s voice through the door, talking to someone who sounded male, and stopped before twisting the knob. I was sweaty and dirty and not particularly in the mood to see any other people, especially a guy. I took a deep breath and stepped inside preparing my fastest route to the shower but was stopped when I saw who the company was.

 

“Hey, Katniss! I hope you don’t mind, I was bored so I asked Peeta over to chill,” Madge grinned. I gave her a look as if to say “ _of course I mind,_ ” but she just kept smiling that stupid smile.

 

I glanced over at Peeta for a moment, who, surprisingly, didn’t look repulsed to see me like this, but looked away in an instant. “Um… I was just, uh, going to take a shower…” I inched towards my destination, praying she wouldn’t stop me.

 

But when have my prayers _ever_ been answered when it came to Madge and her antics? “Oh yeah? You want one of us to join you?”

 

It took me a second to comprehend what she meant, and immediately a new wave a sweat broke out on my burning skin. I couldn’t even look at Peeta, much less come up with a response, so I just sprinted into the bathroom and locked the door.

 

 _Why_ would she say that out loud? In front of him? I knew Madge liked to mess with me for being so shy about that stuff, but did she really have to do that considering the confusing place he and I were in at the moment? She knew how I felt, of course she knew – she woke up Sunday begging me for details about what she was pretty sure she’d seen the night before. I let her make her assumptions before providing an ambiguous “I’m not sure whether it’s serious or not,” and ending the conversation.

 

I tried to relax as I washed off, keeping the water cool for my skin that was still warm from the sun and exercise as well as what had just happened in the living room.

 

I was not prepared to face this yet. Why did she have to invite him over? Was she trying to force me to talk to him about it?

 

 _You idiot_. Of course she was. I should’ve seen this coming; I should’ve spent some of my time walking through the park that day to analyze my feelings and what was the best option to proceed with. But, sadly, I’m so ridiculously clueless that I actually thought I could kiss some amazing college boy and get away with ignoring him afterwards.

 

After I dried off and dressed, I stood in front of the mirror trying to come up with at least an outline of what I should say out there. That turned out to be unnecessary though, because when I walked back out, Peeta was gone.

 

“He left, he had to get back to do some studying, apparently,” Madge rolled her eyes. It likely _was_ a lie, but I was grateful that he let me avoid yet another awkward situation.

 

“Why did you invite him over? Are you friends now or something?” I asked as I sat down in my spot on the couch.

 

She looked bored. “Yeah, so what? Are you jealous?” she teased.

 

“No,” she knew that wasn’t it. “It’s just kind of awkward that you two sit around, probably talking about me…”

 

“Oh please, Katniss. We talk about more than just you. Sometimes we talk about Finnick and Annie,” she said.

 

I grumbled. “Just please don’t make this awkward between us. This is a new school and a new place with new people everywhere and that’s overwhelming enough for me. I don’t need you trying to stir up drama between me and my newest _friend._ ” I punctuated the last word, hoping she’d get the picture. I hated being rushed like that.

 

She just sighed and said, “Fine, I’ll tone it down. But it’s really obvious to everyone else that you want him.”

 

I was about to deny it but realized I probably shouldn’t… I would be lying.

 

~

 

The four-day class week didn’t feel shorter than usual, but that was probably because now we were actually getting into the real work and lessons. Already I had a lot of homework to do, and already some professors were talking about what would be on the midterm. I was so distracted after our professor announced that the rough drafts of our first speeches were due on Tuesday that I forgot about what had become Peeta and I’s routine on Fridays. I was already out on the sidewalk before I heard him call out to me and stopped, realizing I didn’t know where I was going. Probably searching for a hole to crawl in until Tuesday.

 

“Hey! Um, are you still down for breakfast?” Peeta asked, catching his breath as he fell in step beside me.

 

“Oh yeah, sorry,” I tried not to sound indifferent.

 

“What’s wrong? You look worried…” he noticed.

 

I glanced over at him before turning my gaze back to the sidewalk in front of us. “Um… I’m just nervous about this whole public speaking thing. I don’t see why we all have to take this stupid class. Some of us just aren’t comfortable with that stuff and forcing us to do it anyway doesn’t help.”

 

I waited for his response to be something along the lines of “ _you’re overreacting. Nobody really pays attention to you up there. Just suck it up and get if over with so you don’t have to take the class again_.”

 

But, yet again, he surprised me. “Yeah, you’re right, it is dumb to force everyone to do it. But I’m sure you’ll be alright; you’re not half as bad as you think you are.”

 

I rolled my eyes. “In high school, I was giving a history presentation – and not even in front of the class! It was just for my history teacher and another teacher he had grading us. And I fainted,” I admitted.

 

He tried to look sympathetic but he ended up laughing. “Seriously? In front of two silly teachers?”

 

I crossed my arms. “The guy hated me! He had it out for all the ndn students.”

 

He looked puzzled, “What do you mean?”

 

“Well, for one thing, the guy’s name was literally _Mr. Custer_ ,” I said. Peeta tried to feign understand but I could tell he still was lost, so I continued. “You know, General Custer? The Battle of Little Bighorn? Racist asshole who thought he could actually defeat the great Lakota? And all over _gold_ , no less.” I was started to sound angry, but I tried to relax so Peeta wouldn’t think it was aimed at him.

 

“Oh, right, _Custer’s Last Stand_ , or something…” he looked down. “I’m sorry. I feel bad that they teach us next to nothing about your history. Er, our history – the real history of America…” he was stumbling.

 

“It’s not your fault the white men in charge of this country have tried to erase our existence,” I said, trying to sound more annoyed that pissed off. It was hard to keep calm when it came to this subject, and I could taste the venom in my words.

 

“I’ll never understand it. Honestly Katniss, you’re afraid of giving a speech in front of our snobby-ass professor, but I can already see that you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met,” he said sincerely.

 

I felt myself blushing a little. “Yeah well, someone had to be strong. For Prim,” I said softly. He was looking at me with a mixed expression of both sympathy and awe before we stopped at the end of the sidewalk, waiting to cross the street to the Diner.

 

We walked in the door in silence and sat down in the same booth. I was checking my most recent messages from Prim when the waiter came to take our drink orders. Peeta finally spoke again when he left.

 

“I know I can never begin to understand what your people have gone through at the hands of my own ancestors,” he started, looking ashamed. “But, if it’s okay, I’m willing to learn everything I can. I want to be… an ally.”

 

I was surprised. This was not the response I usually got in these situations. Usually they’d shrug me off, annoyed, or awkwardly avoid the topic and me completely. “Um, well, I’m… I mean, I could talk about this stuff for hours, but it tends to upset me when I get going… So, um, I have some books, maybe, that you could read? They’re much better at explaining things than I am.”

 

He gave me a small smile. “That sounds great. Thank you,” he reached across the table and squeezed my hand, but I didn’t pull away. I was still in awe at his reaction.

After we finished eating, I told Peeta I’d give him one of the books this weekend. He nodded and we stood there, facing each other for a few moments, not sure what to do next.

 

I felt myself panicking a little remembering the confusing place our relationship was in and tried to break away from his gaze. “So, don’t think I didn’t notice you distract me so you could pay again. It’s my turn next time,” I teased.

 

He blinked and the smiled back at me. “Alright,” he sighed and I realized he was probably thinking about the fact that I’d so casually said _next time_.

 

I felt awkward once again, my attempt at a digression failed. “Well, I’ll see you later, Peeta. I, um, have to get to class,” I said and turned away before I could give into the voice in my head telling me to do something about the way I was staring at his lips. I didn’t have to get to class, I had a good hour and a half for that, but I did need some time alone.

 

Later that afternoon I was washing the dishes in the sync while I had my iPod plugged into the stereo when I realized I was smiling. I was smiling like fool at the red bowl I was washing.

 

Maybe I didn’t have to put any labels on this, maybe I didn’t have to try and plan what to do next in order to avoid those things I was so afraid of – emotions. I enjoyed being around Peeta. Talking to him was so easy, and he was the first person I’d ever met who I didn’t feel ashamed around when I talked about my past. And I found I didn’t pity him, either, when he’d open up to me about his mother – who we referred to as _Cruella_.

 

Maybe we could just… _be_ , and see where it went from there. I was realized my feelings weren’t something I could organize and solve like an equation. So I decided to stop trying to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a hint at what’s coming in this story! It is going to get a little upsetting in a few more chapters I think, but I promise this story will end better than, well, pretty much any other true story about interactions between the red and white man. Lol. If you have any questions, feel free to find me on tumblr by the same name – bethylyes.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

I remember once when I was young, near Thanksgiving; we had a project at school to make a family tree. It was just a simple “I’m thankful for my family” thing we had to take home and return after break so the teacher could hang them up in the classroom.

 

So, when I came home with the instructions, I asked my father to help me. I knew my name, Prim, him, and my mother; but I couldn’t remember Grandpa’s real name, and had never met any of my other grandparents. My dad’s mother had died when he was a teenager; she was in a car accident around Christmastime. My father and grandfather always spoke admirably of her, so I wanted to put her in the family tree as well.

 

When we were sitting at the table after dinner, my mother washing dishes in the sink and my dad drying them while he sang to Prim who was hugging his leg, I asked what Grandpa’s name was. My dad assumed this was just childhood curiosity and answered “Smokie.” I asked him how to spell that and that’s when he turned to come see what I was working on. He had to bring me some whiteout because I had already started writing “S-M-O-C-“ in green marker before he stopped me.

 

“Smokie is what we all call him, but his real name is Joseph,” he told me and then spelled it out for me to write down.

 

“What about your mama?” I asked him next.

 

“Lilly,” he answered.

 

“Is that a flower, too?” I asked. It seemed to be a trend in our family to name your daughters after different flowers.

 

“Yes, you remember the ones I brought your mother on our anniversary a few months ago?” he said and I nodded. I couldn’t remember what an anniversary was but I remembered the flowers; my mother had braided them into my hair the next day for school.

 

“And what about mama’s daddy and mommy?” I asked next. My father’s face grew serious and my mother set the plate she was washing down before leaving the room.

 

My father was still silent and I was confused. “How come we never go hunting with her papa? Doesn’t he like to?” I asked him.

 

He took a deep breath before speaking to me again. “Your mother’s father died when she was young, chickadee,” he told me, using one of his nicknames for me.

 

I still didn’t quite understand the concept of death. When my Great-Uncle Dennis died the year before, my Grandpa told me he was “heading down the Spirit Road” when I asked what happened to him after he died. Later that evening, he pointed it out to me in the stars and showed me how it flows south to where he would meet a woman who would judge the virtues of his human life, and his soul would either enter into the spirit world, or be reborn here on earth. He said we were supposed to remember and pray for his spirit until he was ready to make the journey. He told me it was essential that after someone’s death, you should try to love your family even more so that their soul could travel in peace.

 

Remembering this, I said to my father, “Grandpa says we have to love each other more when somebody dies. Maybe we can take her mama fishing with us instead.”

 

My father smiled sadly at my suggestion. “That’s right, Katniss, you should always keep the love you have for your family growing. But mama’s mom had trouble with that. You know your other grandfather was a white man. See, your grandmother was making a very brave decision when she brought him home to the rez. It was trouble bringing in wasicu like that, and it took a long time before anyone trusted him. When he died, your grandmother was very, very sad. Her soul was exhausted from all she had gone through for her husband, and she became sick. The police came and put her in a special hospital where they could help her get better, and you mother went to live with her Aunt Rose in the city. You remember Aunt Rose?” he asked and I nodded. We didn’t see her much; except for the few times we visited Minneapolis. She was very much a “city girl” and didn’t have much interest in traveling out our way.

 

“So what happened to Grandma?” I asked. “Is she still in the hospital? Why doesn’t she get better?”

 

My father was silent for a few moments, and I looked down, feeling I had done something bad though I wasn’t sure what it was. I couldn’t understand how the doctors still hadn’t healed her if this happened a long time ago.

 

“Unfortunately, she was too sick. The hospital did not have much money,” he was trying to sugarcoat it for me: _they didn’t want to deal with mentally ill Indians and admit to the unbalance between healthcare for whites and reds._ “She passed away there shortly after I met your mother.”

 

At this, I became sad. It didn’t seem fair that my mother had to lose both of her parents. I’d nearly forgotten about the family tree I’d been working on when my father spoke up again.

 

“Her name was Willow,” he said, bringing my attention back to the marker in my hand. “And your grandfather’s name was Jack.”

 

………………………………………………………………………………………..

I thought about giving Peeta my copy of _Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee_ first, but decided maybe not yet. That book was… heavy, loaded. I couldn’t read more than a chapter or two at a time the first time I read it. It is pretty intense, and I didn’t think I should make him start with that one, although it would definitely be necessary if he wanted to know the true history.

 

Instead I gave him my copy of _Lakota Woman_. It was an autobiography of Mary Crow Dog (Mary Brave Bird) and covered a lot about the boarding schools, racism in more recent decades, and AIM. I thought it was a good starting point for him to be introduced into all of this.

 

Madge and I met up with Peeta in the Hub on Monday for lunch and I gave it to him. He stuffed it in his bag and Madge steered the conversation towards the scandalous activity she’d heard relating to one of the freshman football players. I tried to listen; I usually wasn’t really interested in that kind of stuff, but it did sound pretty funny.

 

Apparently, the football player in question – whose name, Cato, I didn’t recognize – had been standing at a party on Saturday night and spotted a couple of girls he deemed attractive enough for him. When he told one of them to put their number in his phone, she declined, saying she had a boyfriend. Apparently, that did not sit well with him (despite the 50+ girls also around him at the party) and he threw a drunken tantrum, demanding that the girl be kicked out. Madge said someone in her Econ class had a video of it, and they had sent it to her. She pulled it out to show us, and I found that she wasn’t exaggerating about him throwing a tantrum – the dude was well over six feet tall and pretty much a walking chunk of meat. “An ogre,” Madge called him. The video was shaky as it was likely taken by a drunk kid at a frat party, but you could clearly hear him shouting profanities as he banged his fists into the wall, punching not one, but two holes through it in the process. At this point, the girl had fled (a wise decision if you ask me) and some scrawny, hipster looking kid had appeared, trying to sound stern despite that his voice cracked a couple times. Apparently he lived in the house and was telling this Cato dude that he would have to pay for the damages.

 

I was biting my nails at this point – that kid had basically just ensured his own death (or at least severe beat-down). Cato turned to him with bruised knuckles and eyes that looked black as coal before punching him right in the nose. The kid was knocked out immediately, and at this point some other massive-looking guys who seemed to be his teammates all grabbed him and dragged him away from the party, each throwing in a few punches of their own to subdue him. The whole ordeal was shocking, and I prayed I never ran into this guy. I was sure he weighed at least twice as much as me, and it probably would be very easy for him to break me in half with one hand.

 

After we finished eating, I waved goodbye to head to my next class, when Madge pointed out that Peeta was heading that direction too _*wink wink*_ so we should walk together. It was a lot milder than her teasing had been with us lately, so I shrugged it off and decided why not?

 

I was in a quiet mood today, even more than usual, so of course Peeta noticed. “Are you okay, Katniss? I thought you were going to bite your fingers off watching that video.”

 

“Oh, um, yeah, I’m alright,” I tried to force myself to smile. “That just, got me thinking about home, that’s all.”

 

“Home?” he put his hand on my arm lightly. “What do you mean? Did something bad happen to you there?”

 

I shook my head and he dropped his hand. “No, no, it’s just…. Ah, well, assault is kind of common. For my people, I mean,” I stumbled.

 

“What do you mean? Like just fighting? Or _rape_?” he inquired.

 

“Um,” I was uncomfortable thinking about it. “Both,” I looked down at my shoes. “We can’t really count on the police, and the violence is so common…” I trailed off.

 

“So common?” he asked, wanting me to continue.

 

I swallowed. “Well, so common that, um, a lot of girls on the rez can tell you stories of the ‘first time it happened’ to them. As if it were the common flu, or something,” I said softly.

 

Peeta looked concerned and disgusted. “Oh my god, that’s despicable. Did that… did anything ever happen to you?”

 

I reassured him again, “No, I was very careful to avoid most situations where that might come about. I only had a couple of friends, Gale, Madge, a few others from the rez. I never went out alone.”

 

He only looked a little relieved. “Oh, that’s good, but… still, I can’t believe that can happen so much and law enforcement doesn’t stop it!”

 

I shrugged. “Yeah, well, that’s the way things are there. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to go to school out here. I heard the anti-native racism isn’t quite so… uh, violent here. Since, you know, most east coast tribes were forced out a long time ago…”

 

He shook his head. “I can’t believe all this. Well, actually, I can believe it, and it makes me sick. It’s ridiculous that they don’t teach us any of this in school. Most of these kids aren’t even remotely aware of the things you’re telling me about,” I was surprised to hear him sounding angry. He just seemed so kind, patient… seeing him mad was just different.

 

We were almost to my class by then. “Yeah, well, at least you’re paying attention,” I said sadly.

 

“I’m always paying attention,” he said, and I found myself wondering what he meant as we parted ways soon after.

 

……………………………………………………………………………………..

 

“I can’t do this!” I groaned later that evening as I was trying to write the rough draft of my speech. “’ _This I believe…_ ’ what the hell am I supposed to write about? This is going to be so embarrassing,” I mumbled into my hands as I felt Peeta’s hand gently rubbing circles on my back. We were sitting in my apartment; he’d volunteered to come over after I’d expressed how nervous I was about the whole thing earlier that afternoon. I wasn’t one to usually procrastinate my schoolwork, but I was so afraid of the idea of talking about my personal beliefs in front of a classroom of kids I didn’t know that I’d been ignoring the assignment until the last minute.

 

“It’s going to be okay. I’m pretty sure all of us think this is stupid. Most of the others are probably bullshitting theirs right now too. And it’s only a rough draft,” he said leaning down so I would look at him. “It’s not like it has to be great, we’re just peer-reviewing probably.”

 

I relaxed a little. “Will you be my partner?” I asked, sounding pathetic.

 

He smiled as he put his arm around me, “Of course, I volunteer.”

 

My breath hitched as I realized how close we were, and I was staring at his damn lips again when Madge walking out of her room startled me and we turned away.

 

“You guys, that video I showed you earlier? People have been posting it all over social media today, and the school board got a hold of it after some parents called in all concerned!” she said as she came and sat with us, flipping on the television. “People are saying they’re going to take action, because they aren’t even suspending him from the team! They just gave some kind of warning to the frat house, and did pretty much nothing about it!”

 

“Are you serious?” Peeta snapped. “How can they just sit there and do nothing? It’s only a matter of time before he does something like this again.”

 

I was feeling scared so I didn’t say anything, just listened. “Yeah, a girl in my calculus class said that they’re trying to organize some kind of rally at Old Main later this week, complaining that the school isn’t tough enough about violence towards women. I think I’m gonna go. You should come too, Katniss,” Madge said.

I was drawn into the conversation now. “Oh, um, maybe. Don’t you think that might be a little risky? I mean, what if we get in trouble for yelling at the people in charge like that?” I said cautiously.

 

Madge rolled her eyes, “Kat, you remember that thing we learned about in history class – the _Free Speech Movement_? We’re legally adults, we have the right to say whatever the fuck we want, we have the right to protest!”

 

The whole idea was stirring something inside of me, but the survivor in me was still trying to suppress those rebellious feelings. “Yeah, I guess so, but they don’t exactly seem like the type to very... ethical about all this.”

 

Madge nodded, “True, but I’m going. Let me know if you want to join. You too, Peeta.”

 

Peeta nodded as Madge walked into the kitchen to make herself a cup of Easy Mac. We didn’t say anything else about it that evening, but I could feel Peeta stealing glances at me as we wrote my rough draft. He definitely wanted to go, to do something, and he had such a way with words… he could make a real difference if he had the chance to make people listen.

 

When he got up to leave later that night, I found myself awkwardly hinting that since we both were going to the same class in the morning, it would make sense for him to spend the night here instead of walking across campus in the middle of the night. He nodded and I gave him a pillow and a blanket to sleep on the couch, despite the voice inside of me that wanted to ask him to stay in my bed.

 

As I finally lay down, I found myself thinking that it would probably make sense for him to do this _every_ Monday night, and then, maybe, I’d have more time to work up the courage to ask him to stay with me.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda like this chapter... it's "fluffy"

**Chapter 13**

I wake in the morning to the alarm on my phone and quickly dress and wash up before heading out into the living room to find Peeta still dead asleep on the couch. He looks so peaceful lying there that I almost don’t want to wake him. As I kneel down, I notice the flutter of movement under his eyelids. He must be dreaming.

 

I reluctantly reach out and shake him gently, and he startles but then relaxes into a smile as he focuses on my face.

 

“Hey,” he sighs as his eyes begin to droop once more.

 

“Good morning,” I tell him softly. He doesn’t make any move to get up, so I shake him again with a smile and he groans. Suddenly I want to go back to sleep and cuddle up with him, whatever will get him to make that sound again.

 

But I ignore that aching. “We have to get to class,” I say and he whines some more before sitting up and stretching as I get my bag together and slide my shoes on. Peeta just puts his sweatshirt back on and packs up his own bookbag.

 

We walk down to the bus stop at the end of our street and wait with a small crowd of cranky-looking college students grumbling in the morning frost. As we’re waiting, I zone out staring at the leaves on the trees that are starting to turn different shades of gold and auburn.

 

I’m shaken out of it when Peeta bumps his shoulder into mine with a small smile and I give one right back to him. The bus is crowded at this time of day since no one really wants to walk across campus this early in the morning, but at least the crowd doesn’t smell like sweat and beer.

 

Thankfully, class that day is easy. _The Doctor_ , as Peeta and I call our annoying, eccentric professor, spends the first part of class babbling on about what makes a speech well written and eye contact and some other dumb stuff that probably means nothing to any of us. After that, we do a partnered peer review, and since Peeta and I worked on ours together last night, we finish quickly and spend the rest of the time chatting until we’re released.

 

 

On Wednesday evening, Finnick invites us over to hang out, so Madge and I pack our books and head over. A change in environment helps me focus on studying sometimes.

 

This, however, is not one of those times. When we walk in, Johanna is sitting on one couch with a near-empty beer bottle in her hands while her and Finnick bicker back and forth about the baseball game they’re watching. Annie’s sitting at the table reading a textbook, and Thresh sits at a desk in the corner with headphones on, his eyes glued to his computer screen. He appears to be writing code. Hmm, I didn’t peg him for a computer science guy.

 

On the other couch sits Peeta, reading the book I’d given him a few days earlier. I walk over and sit next to him as I pull out my calculus homework, and Madge takes a spot at the table next to Annie.

 

Something happens in the baseball game and Johanna laughs while Finnick groans loudly. Johanna elbows him, smirking and Finnick just gives her the finger in return. The game goes to a commercial break, and it’s then that they acknowledge my presence.

 

“Hey brainless,” she winks as she smiles at Peeta and me. It’s surprisingly mild compared to her usual teasing.

 

I nod in return before turning back to my homework, suddenly aware that my leg is right up against Peeta’s. He doesn’t seem bothered by it, so I stay there.

 

A little while later, I’ve finished my homework, the baseball game is ending and Madge and Annie are laughing and talking, their books long forgotten. Bored, I lean my head on Peeta’s shoulder to get a glimpse of what part of the book he’s at. Before I can read a sentence though, he shuts it and sets it aside, smiling at me.

 

The moment only lasts a second though, because Johanna announces that it’s a good night for some drinking games. Finnick is all for it. I know Annie and I don’t have class until the afternoon tomorrow, but I wonder how Johanna seems to do this all the time – does she _ever_ go to class?

 

Madge is down with it, as usual – I don’t know how that girl can function on so little sleep, but the coffee maker in our kitchen probably has something to do with it. Peeta’s alright with it as well; he says he doesn’t have anything pressing to do and he gets up at the crack of dawn no matter how late he’d stayed up the night before. Thresh is still consumed in his computer screen, so that leaves me as the final vote. Seeing as everyone else has said yes, though, it doesn’t look like my response holds much power. So I sigh and nod along.

 

Johanna brings out a couple bottles of vodka and whiskey, taking a swig straight from one of the bottles before pouring whiskey into a red solo cup and pushing it into my hands.

 

“You’re more fun when you’re drunk,” she says. I roll my eyes and see Peeta trying to hide the smirk on his face.

 

“You don’t have to give in to her, you know,” Peeta says as I take a gulp of the brown liquid, gagging slightly at the taste. It would help if Johanna had given me some kind of chaser or buffer, instead of making me drinking straight Jack.

 

Peeta and Finnick take a few shots as Johanna continues her poisoning around the circle we’re all sitting in. We sit for a bit taking sips and talking, Johanna making suggestions of games we should play, me cringing at pretty much every single one of them, until she explains some kind of card-roulette-dare game that Finnick doesn’t groan over.

 

Finn and Johanna explain the rules to us, but it seems like a random mix of several different games and I don’t follow it. It doesn’t matter though, whatever card or dare I get, they’ll explain to me.

 

She puts a bunch of cards in a pile in the middle of the circle, and we go around picking one from the pile. About half of them mean you have to drink, and the rest are assorted dares. A Queen means the person who picked it has to start chugging their drink, and the next person follows, and so forth. The catch is that you can’t stop drinking until the person ahead of you stops. So naturally, when Johanna picks up a Queen, we all end up gasping for air as she gulps down her own toxic mixture for about 30 seconds. After I choke it down, I look to see my cup is now empty, and place it on the floor hoping Johanna doesn’t notice.

 

She does though. I swear that woman is watching me at every given moment. Before Finnick can draw the next card, she crawls over to me and pours a bunch more into my cup, winking at me again, and smiling at Peeta.

 

I don’t drink it immediately though. As I look over to focus on Peeta’s face, I notice how tipsy I’m getting. I look down at my hands, opening and closing them like an idiot as the tingling feeling I have in my extremeties fascinates me. When I look back up, Peeta is laughing at me and I notice how red his pale face is getting.

 

“Awe, look at Peeta, he’s got that drunk glow already,” Finnick teases. Peeta’s face only grows redder as the others turn to look at him. After a few seconds, he giggles, proving that he is indeed drunk. I’m watching his lips form a smile when Finnick announces that he’s picked the card that means he has to pick a partner; essentially, he picks someone and they have to drink any time Finnick does and do any dare he gets as well.

 

I don’t know what I was expecting, but he picks Peeta, and for a moment I have the thought that Peeta probably doesn’t need anymore to drink, but he’s cracked open a beer now and going slower.

 

After a few more cards, it’s Johanna’s turn again, and she pulls a jack. That is the one card I remember – it’s the one that means she gets to give someone a dare.

 

“Peeta,” she calls. “Hmm, let’s think of something good here…” Finnick whispers something and she snorts. “Nah, he’ll never do that one in front of us… But we can try for something close.” They’re conspiring quietly for a few moments before Johanna turns back to him.

 

“Alright,” she says. “You either do the dare I give you, or you have to streak around the house – _twice_ ,” she winks.

 

Peeta gulps, and his face is too red for me to tell if he’s blushing or not. _Please take the dare_ , I think to myself. I don’t know what I’d do if any of us, let alone Peeta, went streaking around the house. I feel myself blushing then, and don’t have to look to know that Johanna is enjoying this.

 

“Alright baby brother, I’m going easy on you this time. All you have to do is kiss Katniss,” she smiles. It’s embarrassing, but I’m just that thinking we got off easy this time, considering this is Johanna, when she adds, “on her neck.”

 

I swallow hard as my eyes go wide. Peeta’s staring down at his lap, biting his lip, and the others snicker around us. Madge’s grin is almost as annoying as Johanna’s at this moment, and I open my mouth to protest before I remember the alternative.

 

I sigh, looking down. “Go ahead,” I say timidly, but still resolved. Peeta looks up at me and I give him a small nod. “It’s okay. I don’t want you to have to strip,” I say, trying to lighten the tension that’s suddenly in the air between us. I’m looking down at my own hands now, my head tilted to the side, just thinking how this is probably the most embarrassing moment of my entire existence, when I feel his breath warm on my neck. With my head tilted the way it is, I’ve given him free access.

 

A second later I feel his lips on my neck, soft and as innocent as a kiss on the neck can possibly be, but lingering a moment too long for anyone to doubt that he wanted to continue. Now I feel a tingling sensation in the spot where he just was, irritated that I can’t even soak in the way it felt because of the multiple pairs of eyes staring at us.

 

I’m vaguely aware of the handful of teasing comments thrown at us after that, but find myself completely zoned out, not able to focus on what’s happening in the game or what anyone’s saying as I fight to stop my mind from going over the sensation again. I fight hard, but I fail.

 

I’m brought back when I feel a firm hand on my shoulder. It’s Peeta, he’s just said something to me. He’s looking at me like he’s waiting for a response.

 

“What?” I say dumbly, and he repeats himself (I think), asking if I want him to walk me home. I just nod in response, it seems like the only possible answer.

 

We walk hand in hand again, mostly to use each other as support as we stumble down the sidewalk. There are piles of raked leaves along the grass and Peeta kicks through one with his foot, giggling like a little kid as the orange and yellow leaves go flying around like confetti. I find myself laughing too, pulling him along from his little detour.

 

When we stumble onto my street, I finally realize that I don’t know where Madge is. I must express this concern out loud, because Peeta tells me she and Annie went to grab some late night pizza. I struggle unlocking the door again, and this time Peeta is just as out of it as I am, so it takes me what seems like 15 minutes to open the door. We’re still giggling and holding hands as I walk towards the kitchen and my bedroom, when Peeta stops.

 

“Um, uh, I can, um, s-stay on the couch again,” he mumbles, but I shake my head. It must be liquid courage that makes me pull him along with me. I push him down onto the bed and stumble to my closet, looking for pajamas to change into. I’m just unbuttoning my pants when I realize he’s still in the room with me.

 

“Um, do you think you could, like, close your eyes and turn around?” I say bashfully. He bites his lip again, blushing and rolls over to face the wall. When I tell him he can look now, I realize I don’t have anything for him.

 

“Um, I’m sorry, I don’t think any of my pajamas will fit you…” I say, and he waves it off, telling me he doesn’t mind sleeping in his jeans. I see the tops of a pair of boxers as he leans back and shyly mention he could just sleep in them. He looks embarrassed for a moment, but I nod again and he slips his jeans off before crawling back in beside me in his boxers and a t-shirt.

 

We’re lying on our sides, facing each other, smiling and laughing a little each time our eyes meet. I don’t know how long this continues before some unknown force draws us together, and suddenly I’m kissing him again. I finally allow myself to remember the feeling of his lips on my neck earlier, and after a few moments, I feel them there again. I hear myself sigh as I gently weave my fingers through his hair; the thought completely escaping me that what he’s doing might leave a mark tomorrow, until he comes back to my lips for a few more kisses before we unwittingly fall asleep with our arms around each other.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [original notes from ff]
> 
> I’m so sorry it’s been so long! I’ve been swamped with school and holidays and more but I’ll try to get back on track with this. MJ2 was amazing! I pretty much cried the whole time! Seriously, as soon as Peeta started talking about the bread, I started crying, and I don’t think it stopped the rest of the movie. Lol.
> 
> Anyways, here goes.

**Chapter 14**

When I woke up in the morning my head was on my pillow. As I stretched, I realized the bed was empty and suddenly remembered the night before. I sat up trying to get my bearings and heard the sound of the shower running in the next room.

 

I walked in the kitchen to find Madge frying eggs.

 

“’Mornin’ beautiful,” she said in a chipper voice that reminded me of a bird, way too cheery for my comfort. I just groaned in response.

 

“What time is it?” I mumbled as I poured myself a glass of water.

 

“Nearly ten,” she said. I didn’t usually sleep so late, but after last night I figured I deserved some slack.

 

I heard the shower turn off. “Who’s in there?” I asked, though I was fairly certain I already knew.

 

“I told Peeta he could use the shower,” she answered. I thought about complaining that she’d do that without my permission, but thought better of it. It really wasn’t a big deal; maybe I was just feeling extra irritable thanks to the headache I could feel coming on.

 

When Peeta came out of the bathroom I found myself staring at his damp hair, sticking to his forehead and nearly falling in his eyes. His long eyelashes sort of acted as a barrier.

 

He noticed and gave me a small smile before thanking me for letting him crash here for the night and apologizing that he had to get back to his room to get his books before class. I told him goodbye and tried to ignore the stirring that wanted me to address the state of our relationship. We could talk about that when I didn’t have a pounding migraine and the anxiety of a lab report that was due nagging at me.

 

I walked to my lab that afternoon wishing that Clara, the girl in my lab group who felt the need to ask questions every 10 seconds, might have laryngitis or something that prevented her from being able to talk to today. Not only did she constantly bug the lab TA’s with questions, but she also tried to keep conversation going constantly between us. It was exhausting and despite the ibuprofen I’d taken, I really was not feeling it.

 

For better or worse, the lab assignment that day was demanding so we had little chance to discuss anything but the science. To me, this was less exhausting to think about.

 

After class I walked with Annie to the bus stop. We exchanged the obligatory “ _how are you feeling”_ and we both agreed this Wednesday night business should not become a habit.

 

“I don’t understand how Johanna seems to do this stuff all the time!” I laughed as we waited. “I mean, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her _not_ under the influence or trying to _get_ under the influence.”

 

Annie laughed along but her voice got a little quieter when she responded. “I know… I worry about her so much, but she gets really defensive anytime we try to approach her about it. Finnick’s known her a long time and even he usually tries to avoid the topic.”

 

I suddenly felt guilty for my previous laughter. “Oh… I didn’t know…” I started, ashamed.

 

“No, no, it’s alright,” Annie reassured me. “You wouldn’t have known. Johanna’s got a pretty rough history… her stepfather was not a good man at all. She was really bitter about letting anyone into her life for a while, but she and Finnick had known each other since kindergarten. After she went to live with her Uncle she got better, but I guess she slipped into some bad habits trying to cope. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to gossip, but I thought you should know. If she wants you to know the whole story, I’m sure she’ll tell you in her own time.”

 

I nodded, the mood much more somber as we parted ways to head home. I found myself thinking of Johanna differently; from the outside it was easy to judge her as the relentless partier, but much like it was for some of my cousins and friends on the rez, it was a sort of escape from inner trauma. I empathized with her on some level; I didn’t know exactly what she had gone through, but I knew what it was like to grow up too fast, to learn at a young age that adults weren’t all good-natured and trustworthy and that the only person you could really count on was yourself.

 

I made a mental note to try to keep myself from developing a similar habit. I had always felt like I had pretty good control of myself, but it seemed you could slowly slip into these methods of release and one day wake up and realize you depended on something so unhealthy.

 

As the next week went on, I was starting to feel the pressure of college courses. I had little time to myself in early October that wasn’t spent studying or going to class. As midterms came, I was becoming exhausted, spending hours at the library each night until I collapsed on my bed one Friday afternoon for a five-hour nap.

 

There was little mention of what had happened between Peeta and me that night at Finnick’s. At first, the tension between us was palpable but we both seemed to be too nervous to bring it up and soon fell back into our comfortable friendship routine. The two weeks of midterms I had to miss Friday brunch with him at the Diner, and when I woke from my nap that Friday, I finally allowed myself to miss it. It was nearly Halloween now, and I was surprised at how the time seemed to fly by.

 

On Saturday night, we were all hanging out at Finnick’s again and I was relieved that we were having a pretty relaxed evening. The next weekend would probably be nonstop with Halloween parties so it seemed we were taking this chance to rest after spending so much time cramming for classes. Even Johanna had restrained herself to sipping a can of beer, significantly calmer than her usual routine.

 

I found myself yawning as I sat next to Peeta in what had become our spot on the couch. I rested my head on his shoulder and he gently put an arm around me. We sat comfortably this way for a while as our group of friends sat around the rooming talking and watching this movie I’d never heard of about a bunch of British teenagers making fools of themselves in Australia. It was pretty funny.

 

I was just nodding off when I felt someone slump down next to me. “Hey, brainless,” Johanna’s voice woke me up. “ _Awe_ , look how cute you two are, snuggled up in the corner. How are things with you?” I blushed as I realized what she probably meant when she said “things.”

 

“Oh, let them be, Jo,” Finnick called from where Annie was resting on his lap in a floral armchair. Madge looked up from her phone, smiling from whatever was on the screen and lighting up when she noticed us. “Not everyone likes putting labels on things, especially in college.” Annie playfully shoved him; it seemed Finnick loved making jokes as if he were some time of playboy, but spending any amount of time with him when Annie was near put that rumor to rest.

 

Johanna smirked, “I’m just trying to help out my little bro here. So what is it? Are you together? Or are you just using him for your own enjoyment, Katniss?” Even though I knew this was just her personality – sarcasm and embarrassing people she cared about – I felt a panic rise up in my throat at finally having to face this question. I wasn’t sure I was ready to call it anything but a friendship. Sure, I had to admit I was attracted to him. But attraction wasn’t enough to make any kind of commitment. Did I feel the emotional connection to him as well? I wasn’t sure – thinking about loving anyone but Prim made me anxious and I didn’t know how to get passed that barrier.

 

Later, Peeta walked home with Madge and me; he was holding my hand without overthinking the action. Thankfully, the interrogation of our relationship had stopped after something funny happened in the movie, drawing everyone’s attention away from my burning face. The universe must’ve been on my side that night, because Madge didn’t mention anything too embarrassing on the walk home either until we were standing outside the door. Madge was brainstorming ideas for her Halloween costume and Peeta was making comments and suggestions, but I was still silent. Halloween was okay, but I wasn’t the biggest fan of the holiday that seemed to carry a different meaning for crazed, hormonal college kids.

 

“What are you gonna be, Katniss?” Madge brought me into the discussion.

 

“Oh, um… I don’t know, do I have to be something?” I asked though I knew how Madge would respond.

 

She huffed, “Oh, come on, it’ll be fun! You two should go as some kind of matched pair.”

 

I rolled my eyes and saw Peeta smile bashfully, waiting for my response to go along with. Smart boy, playing it safe. I looked down at our hands that were still joined, and momentarily forgot what we were talking about when Madge started listing ideas. They were all cringeworthy: Batman and Robin, Peter Pan and Tinkerbelle, other cheesy pop culture duos. Peeta chuckled as she carried on happily, but I was getting annoyed.

 

“Whatever Madge, I’m not dressing up as any of those things and you know it,” I huffed, wanting to go inside.

 

She stared at me, looking frustrated. What else did she expect? “Fine. You think of something by Thursday, or I _will_ dress you up as something of my choice, even if I have to strap you down.” At that she turned and opened the door, marching to her room and leaving Peeta and me alone in the doorway.

 

“She’s so irritating,” I mumbled as he turned to face me, taking my other hand in his as well.

 

He just smiled. “She’s just pushing your buttons. She wants you to have fun,” he defended her. I pouted at him for taking her side, though I knew he was teasing me.

 

After a moment we both fell silent again, though it felt anything but calm to me as my thoughts froze, trying to decide on what to do next and only coming up with _run away fast!_

 

“I’ve, uh, missed hanging out with you like this,” he started, nervous despite the confidence his voice always projected. “Exams are exhausting,” he stated simply.

 

“Yeah,” I agreed, not coming up with any better response. There was the silent tension again.

 

“Um, listen, Katniss, I…” he cut off, trying to find the best way to say whatever it was he wanted to say. “I like you, I _really_ like you, but it seems you’re kind of… hesitant. So I just wanted you to know that you shouldn’t feel pressured to define, um, whatever this is,” he gestured between us, still holding both of my hands. “I mean, I’m just happy to be friends with you.”

 

Despite his statement explicitly telling me not to feel like I owed him some kind of commitment, I suddenly felt guilty like I owed him some kind of commitment. Why did I always have to do the opposite of what people said?

 

He was looking at me, waiting for my response and trying to control the nervousness in his expression. I racked my brain trying to put the words together before speaking.

 

“I, um…” _off to a great start, Katniss_ , I thought to myself. “Thank you,” I said, genuinely appreciative that he was trying to make me the most comfortable. However, _comfort_ and _me_ didn’t exactly go together very easily. I was kicking myself for such a lame response, but he seemed to understand what I was getting at. His gaze dropped from my eyes momentarily and I realized he was glancing at my lips, silently asking permission. Normally, I would’ve ran and hid at such a situation, but for some reason I gave in to my reflexes and leaned in to kiss him, soft but lingering, before whispering goodnight. I squeezed his hands before withdrawing mine from his grasp and walking inside, taking a mental photograph of the sleepy smile that was on his face as I shut the door.

 

As I got ready for bed, I could only come up with one thought: _I definitely don’t deserve this boy_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all caught up with what I have so far here, the next things will be posted at the same time as on ff


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